It’s been an eye-opening couple of weeks. It all started because of a panic attack and a fight with my husband over something that wasn’t really a big deal. At the time, it felt like my world was spinning. It was a spiral that I could not control because for weeks this spiral was building up and I allowed it to. For the last two years, it’s been building and I allowed it to. I have pushed myself very hard my entire life because I had people who depended on me, had a drive that wouldn’t allow me to stop. I swallowed my doubts knowing that eventually, I would be sick by them. I ignored this darkness inside of myself knowing that it would eventually drown me. So, when this insignificant fight happened, my flood gates opened and every small thing joined together and sent me spinning. So as I stood there in front of my husband with that look on his face, I guess I woke up. I am miserable most of the time because of these thoughts that occupy my head right now. I am miserable because I am surrounded by a storm of negative most of my days but it’s time to send these storms away.
I was talking to a friend last week about all of this and I realized that I am to blame as much as some other things because of what I have allowed. I let people in and people more often than not disappoint me but I allowed that to happen, too. I took a direction that I thought would be putting me on the right trajectory but the thing is I knew the first week, I took the wrong fork. And still, I stayed on this road, convincing myself that it would take me to where I need to go. Ironically enough it has but not in the way I thought it would. I feel like I’ve been stripped down and I’m standing in this storm completely naked. These things keep hitting me, giving more fuel to the thoughts that I was able to quiet before. Now they build and I allowed them to do that because I was tired of fighting, because no one was looking… but the thing is I was looking and I gave up anyway.
In the last few weeks, my sky has been clearing, slowly I feel like I’m putting the rocks under my feet back where they belong. I realized that I’m on the wrong path and have been for a while. I’m stubborn and I know part of the reason I kept walking was that I did not want to admit it was a failure. I have failed so many times. I was just tired of make shifting myself. So I said to myself there is no victory in being miserable, in feeling like this heaviness will constantly hang over your head so why? Why take another step? I said it’s time to redirect and move on. So, I stepped up and spoke about things that were bothering me. I made clear my position about how things will not work if they stay the same. And you know what? A few days later I was pretty sure that while I was heard by one pair of ears, I was not by others. I didn’t get upset. I realized this path was a dead end. I could’ve fallen apart like I did that day with my husband but that face was so clear in my head at that moment. It was very clear to me it was time to stand, to let go, and to pick myself up and get out of this storm.
The nice part about being a mess is that you can recreate yourself again. You can take all the things that failed you and throw them out. You can take the things that make you beautiful, the fun quirks, the sweetness of your emotions, the love in your kindness and make them you again. We don’t really lose ourselves. We just can’t be who we are sometimes. In this world where there are so many things to bring you down, to live up to it’s just not easy to be the best you every day. I did things this week that will help me go to where I need to go, where I want to go. Honestly, I’ve been trying to knock down walls but these aren’t the walls that are worth my energy and my head have just been bloodied by these attempts. This mess that I have become isn’t me. It was never me. I was so tired I just forgot where I put me. I don’t have to entertain things in my life that are going to make me miserable. None of us do. We just have to find the courage to change directions. So, I’m going to change paths. I’m going to find the path for me that works. I owe it to myself to at least take a swing, right?