I went on a little vacation last week and it was nice to just sit back and relax, to not really worry about being anywhere on time, to not be conscience of time, to not care if someone needed a ranch ;) It was nice to just be still. Not very often to give myself a break but over the last few weeks I've come to understand it is important to give myself a break now and again. I realized that things were making angry, too angry. I realized that things that shouldn't make me angry were upsetting me the most and it was silly. At the end of the day, how much of this stuff matters?
But that's part of my problem, I think. I start something. I get invested. Then I care too much about it. I make myself a part of it that matters and then it doesn't live up to this standard that I have built up in my head. And then? And then I get disappointed. Then I get angry because it's not the picture that I ultimately imagined. You know what? It never will be. Sure, that sounds pessimistic but reality isn't always a perfectly put together rainbow.
So what to do? A wise man gave me the advice of stop digging and he's absolutely right. Step back and stop digging. I am, at the end of the day, only responsible for myself. I am only accountable for my own actions. I can only do so much but do the best with what I can do and let go of all the silly stuff that makes me angry that I can't control. We are all amazing and we are all flawed but it's in those things where we shine. So when I make a mistake, it's all right. Learn from it and move on. So when someone else disappoints you, it's not the end of the world. The world is not always going to be what you want it to be. People aren't always going to be what you need them to be... but what the world can be is amazing if you let it and people can be inspiring if you allow yourself see them. Anger is fleeting but life is constant.
In the last 3 weeks, I have had 3 days off. I don't write this for a pity party or for some pat on the back. I write this because I understand how I work. I push myself extremely hard and I say it is for all the wonderful people in my life but is that honest? I can't say that it's not but it's not completely true either. I push myself because there is always that stupid, nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I'm not enough... but at the end of the day who am I not enough for? And it's all silly.
There was a time in my life when I was obnoxiously confident. Not once did I think that I didn't have my life together but still I know that it was my own self doubt that made that confidence balloon up then. Then, life did what it always does. It tore me apart and down I fell until that girl with the bright smile vanished. So many of the choices I have made in my life have been made because I was trying to prove something. I was trying to prove something to people who I thought I needed approval from, prove something to a world that I was just a grain of sand in.
If I think about it, if I really think about it, I wasn't trying to prove anything to anyone other than myself. I get older every day. I am around people every day that are just starting out their lives. They have their whole tomorrows in front of them full of adventure, full of failure, full of success... and I am not that strong willed, stubborn twenty something anymore. I have a husband and a child and a dream in my heart that I should give more attention and honestly I understand more and more each day I don't have to prove anything to myself anymore.
This year has been hard. There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss my father, that I regret the choices that I made in his last days. All I wanted in those early years when I was stubborn and full of spite was to prove to him, to my mother that I wasn't a disappointment. As the days go by, another day of him gone, I understand that this need to be enough for him, for them, for me is no longer a battle I need to fight. I can unburden myself now of the things I am not. I can hold tight to all the brilliant things I already am.