This week has been one of my better weeks. My anxiety was very manageable and I didn't feel so stuck in my sadness. I even had moments where I felt like dancing again. I was grateful because it means that I'm figuring the emotional wreck that is me out again. I know it can all fall apart. I'll swing back and forth but as long as I continue to learn how to manage who I am right now, I'm going to be OK.
So, today I didn't want to write about the depression I battle or the anxiety that weighs me down. I wanted to write about how those lights made me feel last night. I feel like we get lost, me especially, in all the things in our lives that are wrong. We hate our jobs. Bills are for the birds. Adulting is overrated. I wanted to take a minute today and tell you what in my life makes me happy. It's a journey and I'm working really hard to figure me out.
I'm thankful that I wake up every morning with the chance to keep learning, to keep improving, to doing the work that will make this life better.
I'm thankful that I was given the chance to be someone's mother though I stumbled along the way. I was granted a love that is so incredibly special and precious.
I'm thankful that I go to sleep every night with my best friend and wake up next to him every morning.
I'm thankful that I have a husband who knows that when I'm sitting in sadness, lets me be and doesn't try to fix it. He may not get it but he understands enough to know this head of mine is not his to fix and it's something I have to work through on my own.
I'm thankful that this same husband understands when I just can't with the world and brings me coffee in bed, not expecting me to leave the confines of our bedroom and is OK with that.
I'm thankful that I have a person in him that lets me be as strange and weird and silly as I want be. He is safe and loving and smiles at me, knowing it's a side of me that I only give him.
I'm thankful for the struggle, for the hardships, for every heartbreak I have had to endure because it has made me strong and will continue to make me strong.
I'm thankful for the people in my life, the ones that have gone and the ones who are here. While I have some mixed emotions lately about this, I understand the lessons they brought and I can embrace the pieces they gave me.
I'm thankful for the two small furry cats that cuddle with me every night and walk on my head in the morning because they are hungry. Their love is pure and honest and warms my heart. Their innocence is a wonderful reminder of how good this world can be.
I'm thankful that I can feel both incredible sadness and joy because these emotions keep me real, keep me honest, and keep these words as true as they can be.
I'm thankful for the gifts that I have been granted and the courage that I have found to share them.
Most of all, I'm thankful that though this world gets me down more than it should some days, I still get back up and keep going.
No matter how many times I have been knocked down, I seem to always keep going. I do what I have to do. For so long, it's been for the people around me. Maybe that's why I've always felt like a stranger to myself but I feel this changing inside me. I still feel like I'm screaming and no one is listening to me but for a long time I couldn't even hear me. I'm tired of screaming so I hear me. I hear me now. I don't have to scream anymore. I can give myself permission to be thankful and I can allow myself to breathe. I don't have to be everything. I can just be me. And, one day, I'll know who that is but I will enjoy this journey along the way and be thankful for every step.