Because underneath it all...

Because underneath it all...
December 15, 2014 at 8:11pm
the lyrics to FEARLESS by Cyndi Lauper... so a lot of you out there probably still remember this amazing, quirky lady and the rest have no idea who i am talking about.  i admit this song is not one of your poppy songs but I've always been a fan no matter which way she goes.  it's honestly just proof of a great artist, one that can be both silly and serious.  this song has always meant a lot to me over the years.  there were so many years where i was just afraid, afraid of my own shadow, afraid of everything.  there could be nothing wrong but i would feel as if the world was going to crumble right from underneath me.  i could take care of myself, of my child but i just felt like i was a precariously balanced person, just waiting for that one more thing to go wrong and i would lose it all... but as time passed and my life changed i understood that was just my own anxieties of not being enough getting the best of me.  i questioned what kind of person i was, whether i was good or bad, whether i was kind enough or too much of a pushover or just honestly too much of a bitch.  i questioned what kind of mother i was, whether or not i was going to screw up this kid for the rest of her life or be the solid ground she needed.  and when i met my wonderful husband, i questioned what exactly he saw in me.  i was stubborn, set in my eyes, completely terrified to let someone in even as wonderful as him.  and all these questions, all these self deprecating questions, these defense mechanisms boiled down to was fear.  i was afraid if he stayed.  i was afraid if he went.  i was afraid that the outcome of my life would mean nothing to anyone... and i wanted to be reckless, to be free of these fears that clung to me so tightly.  underneath it all, i was just a scared kid.  and so it goes, life changed again and all those fears of whether or not i was not enough didn't mean anything really.  i realized the only person who was ever really judging me was myself and maybe i should just cut myself a break.  i was a young mother, not yet wise with the world, still figuring out who i was as a person while trying to act like i had it together for this little kid.  and what i learned as a young mother was that the world was going to continue to terrify me but i just had to keep kissing the skinned knees, the tired bones and keep going.  fear can be helpful as it is harmful.  without this ball of fear that i carry, i wouldn't be as compassionate and i certainly wouldn't have allowed love to enter me so freely.  for so long, failure taunted me but i get it now.  I'm not always going to succeed.  I'm not always going to be the best.  i will never be perfect by any means.  and it those things that i am no longer afraid of.... 





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgSrnFOTGbI





"Fearless"

Sometimes I'm afraid when you go
Sometimes I'm afraid when you come home
Underneath it all ...
I think I'm afraid when there's nothing wrong.

But if I was fearless ...
Could I be your reckless friend
And if I was helpless ...
Could you be the one comes rushing in.

There's something that I never told
When I find myself slipping off of my pedestal
I'm a fierce believer afraid to fall.

But if I was fearless ...
Could I be your reckless friend
And if I was helpless ...
Could you be the one comes rushing in.

Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark
I can't find the light in my heart
I can see my hand pushing away
Hard as I can

But if I was fearless ...
Could I be your wreckless friend
And if I was helpless ...
Could be the one comes rushing in.

Sometimes I'm afraid when you go ...