There is so much of our lives that are just, to put it simply, confusing. My birthday is coming in April. It's a pretty significant one. I think about my current life state and wonder if this is my mid life crisis? I feel bored, frustrated, completely over the monotony of what is happening but I lived so long being unstable this is OK. I didn't know my schedule from week to week. My income depended solely on people's moods. I worked late hours and drank afterwards for two more. I've lived that midlife crisis life honestly way before I came even close to this age. Still, I look behind me and I see all these years that now line my pages, understanding that the number of blank ones in front of me are a question mark. And what a morbid thought to write, right? But understand that I do not fear what comes after this life. Whatever it is, I gave my best while I was here and that's all we can do. And still I look for a deeper purpose every day. There has to be more than this haunts me some times. I look at this life, this beautiful mess of a life I live, and I can't help to wonder how much harder I can work, how much more I can push myself, how many more steps can I take to finally feel like I can breathe. I don't care that I'm turning 40 this year. It's a number. It's this thing we create to mark our success. I'm not where I want to be but who is? There is some solace in knowing that so many of us are clueless.
I saw this silly meme the other day. Those things are brain eaters let's be honest but they are entertaining. Sometimes you just need a little nonsense to get through the day. It was saying something about if she had her life together, she wouldn't be sleeping next to unfolded laundry. Usually I read those things, give a small chuckle, and then move on with my life. They are not meant for too much deep thought. For whatever reason, that one kind of stuck in my head all day. We measure our lives by the things we've accomplished even the most minuscule of tasks. That laundry next to her somehow represented every failure in her life. How ridiculous (1) that I put that much thought into it and (2) that is how we judge what of people we are. If someone walked into my house right now, they would see a floor that needs to be swept, bookshelves that need to be dusted, two baskets of laundry that needs to be done, and a very stinky litter box that needs to be changed. I understand we are judged by what people see on the outside but let's be honest. What we are on the outside is nothing but a show, an illusion of what we want people to see. My house is a little messy and I understand that if you walked in, you would probably have thoughts just like I would if I walked into yours. It's human nature. I am by no means throwing shade. My point (however I seem to get there) is that we are so much more than dirty laundry or folded and put away clothes. There is a beautiful middle, a lovely simple middle.
When we are young, we are told that by a certain age we should be a certain way. We should be married with children and a career, a beautiful house with a well manicured lawn and a dog running around the backyard. Our lives should be well synchronized, well orchestrated. We grow our children and then we happily age into retirement. No fuss. No muss. And then we grow up and we realize that all that is a cereal box image that doesn't really exist for most of us. What we find is that we have to work two, three jobs just to provide the basics sometimes. What we find is that dating is really miserable and not fun. What we understand is that whatever our lives are going to be, they are not going to be easy. You learn to do what you have to do to get things done even if you have to sacrifice the things you love to get there. I am turning 40 this year, this age that I should have my shit together. I should be a well oiled machine at this point. And, in some ways, I am. I know who I am, what I am made of, the potential more than I ever have in my life. I have a husband who I adore and who adores me. I've got this almost adult kid who despite the recent battles is amazing. I have my talent, this ability to write these words and create pictures that touch people, that I just started to explore and allow to bloom. In so many more ways then I ever thought I would, I feel the poetry in this skin.
At almost 40, I know looking at my life maybe leaves people wondering, asking what is this lady doing? I work a job that is not a career. Honestly anybody who knows how to talk to people could do my job. I am not being challenged (just tried if I'm being honest). I get up in the morning, go to work, come home, go to sleep. This mundane, routine life that drives me stir crazy. I don't own a washer or dryer. I still rent an apartment. I live beyond my means, struggling to make ends meet. Retirement is just a funny joke to me at this point though it's something that I do legit have to start thinking about. I can't help my kid with her future because the right now struggle is hard enough to work through. I will forever be sleeping next to that pile of unfolded laundry it seems. And then I take a step back. I give myself a good kick in the ass and remind myself of what all these almost 40 years have taught me. There have been very few steps in my life that have been light and airy. Most of them feel like I have a ton in my shoe. Just one more step, kid, just one more step. It was about the next step and the constant worry of 20 steps from now. My chest has been heavy my entire life but I don't stop. When I can't walk, I crawl. And if I can't crawl, I roll. Whatever I have to do, just one more step. Maybe one day I'll be where I am supposed to be at the appropriate age but it doesn't matter. I could never fold my laundry and have my shit together. We can be a little of both, a perfectly put together mess. What is important is that I feel I have my insides together. What other people see is not really all that important if we have every confidence in ourselves.. Our lives have a tendency to work themselves out. Just keep moving, kid. Keep growing.