For most of my life, I have been terrified of dropping the ball, of making one mistake and screwing everything that comes after. I looked at my daughter when she was born, so scared of this tiny girl because of all the mistakes I saw myself already making. So much of my life has been wasted on not pushing myself in fear of letting myself down. It wasn't necessarily failure that scared me. It was this idea that the struggle would just keep going and I would have no reprieve. This cycle would just keep repeating itself. I will end up always hand to mouth, always with a dream just out of reach because I can't take a leap. Lately, I've found myself falling again, feeling like I'm going down this rabbit hole of feeling like no matter what I do, it will not get better. I feel myself swallowing myself again because it is easier to retreat into this darkness instead of clawing myself out once again. So much of this life is spent climbing mountains only to fall back down to get back up to fall down to get back...
If I'm being brutally honest, I'm burnt out, completely and utterly burnt to a crisp. I have so much desire to make these words sing, to make my lines dance but I get so exhausted by all the other things that bang around this head. I go to work every day, listen to people yell at me for things that don't really matter, making money that barely pays the bills. I am so mentally drained at the end of the day, so empty where all I want to do is crawl into my bed under my covers and not come out. I feel all these warning signs that all the battles that I've won are all falling apart. This old feeling of constant dread, of never being able to catch my breath. I looked at an old picture of me the other day and I was smiling. I thought I wish I could feel that smile again, that I could feel her warmth and hope but I understand that the state of my mental health is up to me to care for. I understand my triggers, the things that make my fists clench. I wear a hair band around my wrist and I have had to flick it much more recently. In this understanding, I become more aware of myself.
So, over the last few weeks while I've been sitting in this brewing storm, I've had some revelations. One, because for my own mental state I've had to. And, two, because I literally cannot live with this much dread. I have been trying to teach myself how to let go and let god for lack of better words. I have a tendency to let myself get wrapped up in my job, in other people, in these things that do not matter. It is so much easier for me to deal with your baggage than to carry my own. And all these things that I don't like about myself, about my life are all things that I can fix. It's just it all feels like a struggle, such a struggle right now, but I have to stop only seeing the climb and accept more that I can succeed. Right now I don't want to get up to go do what I have to do. I want so desperately to just create and find my wings that doing anything else feels wrong. The more I write, the more I draw, I realize the more I let go of all these things I've carried with me, all these burdens that weren't my own to begin with. I'm not scared of failing. I'm scared that I will never really win.
My husband and I were sitting at breakfast this morning after we had done the laundry, the beautiful world of adulthood. As usual, we are struggling right now. We are good, kind people. We are doing all the right things and making all the right moves. Between the two of us, we spent 20+ years in the service industry, doing what we had to do provide for our family. We both just recently got out of it because we got older, because we didn't want to work nights, because we were burnt out from being constantly in people's faces. It's not an easy industry to work. So, we made the move and left. And, now, we've had to learn how to manage our lives in brand new way but right now it feels like a struggle. I see how stressed out he is and I feel my own self falling into the shadows. But when I look at him? I see hope and I feel his faith and I know he worries. I don't ever want him to feel like he has to worry that I will crumble even if right now it feels like a fight not to. I sat there this morning and I just looked at him. I thought about what I left over the last few years, knowing that even if it feels like maybe I made a mistake I have to trust that this climb will eventually lead to the top. I am tired. I will not lie but I know I will keep on. This war that rages in my head may never truly quiet but I will eventually win. Let go and let me and just keep climbing..