It’s been a hot minute since I have had time to sit down and do a blog. This holiday season was bananas and not really in a good way. For the last two years, Christmas has not been a good time. While we were in a better place this year and I enjoyed the time with my husband, the other part of my life was hard. I honestly don’t know what happened this year. I mean people are nuts when the holidays come around anyway but it just seemed everybody got ticked off as soon as the turkey was cut. I am not exaggerating that I dealt with some truly miserable situations and it left a bad taste in my mouth for Christmas moving forward. I have a hard time dealing with humans but, man oh man, I was tested. So, obviously, my desire to interact with the world even on this level was pretty low. The holidays are over and I am back because this dream isn’t going to fly itself. My desire to just do this as a living grows by the day. No, that’s not right. My need to work for myself by myself becomes more of a necessity as the days go by. I’m not going through a mid-life crisis. I am just finally waking up and understanding that I need to make some changes for my own mental health.
I did not make any resolutions. I don’t believe in them. They are just a new way to put extra pressure on ourselves, another thing we fail at. Let’s be honest. Anything we really want is not instant anymore. I want to lose weight. January 1st doesn’t mean I will. I want to be a professional artist/ writer who does this for a living but I didn’t wake up New Year’s Day and it was here. No, I was the same grumpy, depressed, ridiculous person I was the night before because this life takes work. I’m going to fail a few more times until I don’t and it’s going to piss me off. I will sit down and eat a whole bag of chips even though I know I shouldn’t. I’m going to stare at the white and angrily draw squiggles when inspiration doesn’t hit. I may, in fact, do both of these things all year and it’s all right. Nothing is easy and this world doesn’t owe me anything. I know I’m the type to struggle. My life has taught me nothing if not that. I was never the girl that life just worked out for. Sure, it made me a pretty angry person for a long time. It was hard seeing the person next to me who did nothing win that lottery over and over again but I am tired of looking at them. I am tired of comparing myself and beating myself up over all these things I am not. Someday I will be more.
I have not been at the top of my game lately. There’s been a lot of negative thoughts swirling inside of me. And god knows I try to squash them but I’m on a struggle bus. It was another reason I didn’t want to set myself up with all these false things I was going to start doing. I know me well enough that the pressure I put on myself is ten thousand what you put on me. I just have to let myself be for a minute. I realized that I get angry so easily these days at everything around me and it is exhausting. When I sit down, I realize that maybe I need to shut the world out for a little while, to tuck myself in a corner and allow myself some time to reset, to reboot, to not allow things in. It’s been hard trying to figure out what I’m supposed to feel I guess. I was a hard-ass for so long. You couldn’t get me to flinch at you. And, then I didn’t have to be so hard anymore and I let the world in, people. I let people in and you know what? I was let down and I got hurt and now what? I find myself retreating once again, a form of self-protection that I thought I wouldn’t use again but I’m giving myself permission to step back. Because this year, while I do not have any resolutions, I am giving myself permission to heal, to grow, to let go, and to move on.
We all heal in our own ways. Some people need other people. Some people need to be alone. I realize in order for me to heal the way I need to, I need to do this on my own. I need to work through the feelings, the sadness, the anger the way I’ve always worked through these feelings. I don’t want to talk about it unless you are going to hear me but so often words fall onto deaf ears. Not because they don’t care but because they don’t understand and it’s not their fault. It’s not your fault. It is what it is. Here’s the thing. I want to work through this, to feel this, to understand it so when life becomes too much again (because it will), I know how to move beyond it. I’m full of a thousand insecurities, bloated with anxieties that I’ve picked up along my life, and I will always carry this bucket of sadness with me. I understand that. I own that. Those are the things that inspire how I write, the way I draw, the way I see this life. Without my chaos, there is none of my joy. I am not broken. I’m just rearranging my pieces again. And honestly whatever beautiful version of me comes from this? Well, I’m pretty excited to meet.