I want to be honest before I start. I had a disappointing birthday where a lot of people let me down (but mad props to the amazing people who didn't). I have some aggravation that may lie in my undertones but I don't apologize for being honest. It's so easy to make friends when you're young. I mean you're stuck with the same people every day. You can't stray too far. For years, you go to school with these people. For years, your close quarters inspires kin ships but the test always come when our school days are over and we're all spit out into the world. Is that person who sat next to you at lunch still sitting at your table? Probably not (but if they are, appreciate each other). So, then you get a job and you become friends with the people who you work with because, again, these are the people you see every day. These are the people that you see sometimes more than your family. And then you make a career change and what happens? Most fade away.
I guess this last week I've been thinking really hard about the relationships in my life, who is real and important and whose faded away. I've thought about who has made the effort and who disappeared when I blinked. When I was in school, I had a lot of friends. I really thought our friendships were going to last but 20 years later, I've got one from those days. She's amazing and I couldn't have made it through some very hard years without her. I hope she knows that when I think of what a true friend is, it's her face I will always see. And, listen, it's cool that I'm not friends with people back from my child age. That is not my point. My point is that friendships take work as adults. They take time and effort from both sides. I felt pretty hurt when I didn't hear from the people I thought I would. My husband told me that I should shrug it off and, as the week has gone on, I have a little more. By writing these words today, I'm letting it go. I'm letting a lot of things go.
Every day I find it harder and harder to tolerate so much of this world, so many pretend things. I look at so many relationships in my life and realize that most of them are empty. I realize how very few people reach out. And, I completely own that maybe I don't reach out as much as I should. It just feels like every time I try, I get shooed away like a fly.... and I'm tired. I don't want to be a friendship kept out of obligation. It wasn't that so many people remained silent last weekend that hurt. It was that the wizard was revealed from behind the curtain and I became so disappointed in what I saw. My daughter once told me that I was mean when she was younger and it always makes me laugh. I wasn't mean. I just stood up for myself far better than I do today. Even writing this blog, I'm terrified that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings. So much of me has been put to the side because I don't want to ruffle your feathers but it's cool if you want to pluck mine out. My feelings were hurt so badly because of people's forgotten birthday wishes that as I write that I feel silly. My husband says to me often that I need to say what I feel more. If someone makes me mad, tell them. If someone hurts my feelings, tell them. If someone tries to put this baby in the corner, throw rocks at them. Once upon a time, I did all of those things. It's not that I became soft. I just got tired. Funny how a simple forgotten something can make you remember you're strength. My journey continues and, somewhere in this skin, I am a star ready to shine without fear of how my light might hurt the world's eyes.