I used to make plans. I would think about these things that I needed to get done and I would do them. There would be no hesitation. I would just do them. And if I didn't know how to do something, I would figure it out. I guess I learned pretty early on that the only person I could depend on really was myself. It didn't take away from the people in my life that cared for me and wanted to help me but somehow I could never completely trust that either. I was never scared of asking for help. Hell, that was the easy part. What kept me from asking for help was the inadequacies I would then feel because you helped me. Sure, it was a very chaotic thought process for me because it did not make any sense. We are humans and often times cannot do this life completely on our own. Rationally I have understood that but realistically I couldn't accept that for a long time. I'm a Taurus. I am in every way one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. I have no shame about it. In fact, it's one of the things that I do like about myself. Because while I am a pushover about many things, the core of me can not and will not be moved. So me admitting that I need help is a big deal and I don't take it lightly. There have been times in my life when I've had to ask. There have been times when I feel like it has been OK to ask. And there have been times when I have been made to feel like I couldn't manage on my own because of it. It has always been easier to figure it out on my own. The only person I can then blame is myself. The beauty of that? I have complete control over fixing myself, too.
I was pretty mad at myself earlier this week. It's been a struggle bus lately. I've felt like so much is out of my control. I gave up a job making decent money for a job that hasn't turned out to be what I thought it would be. I can't seem to catch up on my bills. My car needs work that I've had to help to get taken care of. I feel like my kid is struggling and I don't know if I'm any better off to help her. I feel like I am literally screaming at a world that just doesn't hear me but this feeling is not foreign to me. There's always been a part of me that no one hears. The older I get, I try to figure out if it is because I am the one muting myself or is that no one really hears me? I don't know. And honestly I don't think it's important either way. I have this new found drive to write beautiful words, to draw emotionally inspired pieces of art but I feel so overwhelmed by everything else I get lost even in my lines. Sometimes I don't always say what is bothering me especially with my husband. He is facing the same struggles because we're in this life together. He gets angry at me though, wanting me to tell him when I'm frustrated or sad or whatever I've rarely been able to do that. He wants to help and I love him for it but some battles are just for me. I am a stubborn woman who will figure this out in my own way and, after ten years, he still wants to shake me out of myself. I agree. I would love to shake me out, too, sometimes. I know how quickly I retreat.
I will sit in this struggle for a minute but eventually I will get annoyed and do something about it. I don't wallow necessarily but I do take my time to digest. For as much as I love chaos, there is a part of me that needs a clear direction. I need to sit down and plan out my way out of something I am facing. I am not making enough money right now so what do I do about that? I suck it up and try to start selling my art work. And while that boat is taking off, I get a second job and bank money. I get frustrated about my career? Well, then I look for options that are more like what I am looking for. I feel like sometimes I get stuck. I find comfort in the dark, understand this blindness but I need to be inspired, too. There is something so motivating about solving a problem. I want my art to sell? Well, I have to find the courage to put it out there and know my own value. I have spent so much of my life being so unsure, dipping my toe in the water, fearing it was going to swallow me up anyway. I've taken my time and thought about how to live my life the right way but I want to be honest here. I would love to just jump off that cliff and trust that I won't break myself in the process. It's never been just me though. My entire adult life has been as someone's mother. Every move I've made, I've had to think about before doing. I have this momentum within me right now. I feel it but I feel like I'm back to that point in my life where I've got nothing figured out.
So what does a girl do? I suck it up and figure it out. I often quote Stewart Smiley in the mornings before I leave for work. I say to myself, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And gosh darn it people like me." It's not because I doubt that I am any of those things really. It's because I know I need to push myself a little bit each day. The facts are I live a pretty boring life for a woman who has so much fire inside. So I often feel like exploding all over the place, knowing that I can't and I won't. The practical side of me gets the fact that I am a grown woman with responsibilities, obligations, and an empty wallet. But that confirmation that I am going to be just fine no matter what is something I need to tell myself. No matter what, I am always OK. My anxiety can bring me to my knees but I get back up. My battle with depression sometimes makes me cry in the shower some mornings but I dry off and push forward. My nervous nature will sometimes stop me from doing the things I really want to do but I hold tight to those dreams. And I drive my husband crazy with all of these things I struggle with but he knows the amount of strength I carry with me every day. My rose colored glasses shattered a long time ago and I see life for what it is. Sometimes I want to tell it to go suck an egg. And other times I can't get enough of it. There are times when it just wants to fight and I'm down for the war. Other times it wins and I don't get out bed all day. I figure it out. This moment won't last forever. I got plans to make, bills to pay, and a few cliffs to leap.