I’m going to admit something here and I am not ashamed. I play the Sims. No, that’s not right. I love the Sims! And I get it. You are basically living the same life you are in real life on a screen but are you? Because I know that just for kicks I do a lot of stuff on Sims that I would never do in real life like try to murder my husband by feeding him beans from a magic bush for flirting with a townie. Nor would I voluntarily have 100 babies which is the current challenge going on right now I hear. Clearly, this silly, little fun game is giving you the ability to live outside yourself for a moment. It gives you this outlet where you can sleep with the entire town if you want or, in a very drastic turn, turn around and lock them in a room, taking away the door, and starving them to death. Yes, these are real things you can do and honestly, they are pretty tame compared to some of the cheats I’ve seen out there. My point is our real lives are full so much dumb stuff, some beautiful and most senseless, that it’s nice just to stomp your feet and scream sounds a the air when you don’t want to life.
I’ve done a lot of self reflection lately. It’s healthy. It hurts. It’s real and I’m being as honest as I possibly can with myself and with you, too. I want to give this person who I know is in there the ability to speak but I’ve been scared to let her out. I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of being quiet. I’m tired of stepping back into the shadows to make the world around me more comfortable. I want to let my inner Sims come out, stomp her feet, wave those glitch arms, and scream for a little while. I’ve been thinking that I’ve been sad lately. I’ve sat down with my anxiety and looked it straight in the face and realized it is not just sadness. It’s not just the feeling of being broken and paralyzed. There is a lot of anger, too, so much anger. I’ve allowed myself to be pushed into this corner and I have done nothing to stop it from happening over the last few years. I wasn’t always so tolerant but I confused being tolerant with just giving up. So, that anger really isn’t at the world at all. It’s at myself. So many don’t see me because I don’t see myself. And so many show no concern for me because for years I’ve shown myself even less. I locked myself in a room and took away the door. I am coming to realize I have been starving myself for years now.
Listen I know comparing actual life to The Sims is a humorous stretch. And this blog may not be taken seriously because of it. That’s all right. I’m not here to tell you how to feel. You can’t make a Sim enjoy cleaning a toilet if they don’t want to. I had some phone calls this week. And, sure, I am going to make some Sims of these nasty people on the phone and probably put them in a pool and take away the ladder because Sims… but I realized something in their nastiness. I get frustrated when people are assholes to put it simply. There was a moment in this phone call this week where I realized I had a choice. I could allow him to treat me badly or I could make it clear that was not going to happen. There’s a bitch inside me, guys. I just don’t let her play very often but she’s getting restless and I felt her at that moment. I let her come out and it felt great to not allow this person to determine what I was worth. I have allowed myself to be treated badly. I have allowed that. I can’t put all of the blame on the people who took advantage of that. They saw the opportunity and they took it because I did not stop it. I will now.
There’s a balance I realized I need to find, this balance between the very kind, compassionate, empathetic person that in my heart I know I am and this other me that is hard, almost cold but fair who doesn’t tolerate being bulldozed over. And I can achieve that character when playing Sims because there’s no real hard choice, no real consequences, no explanations. It is simple and pure and silly. Life is none of those things. It is complicated and circumstantial and unpredictable. It is full of doubt and questions and darkness. It can be wonderful and breathtaking, inspiring. You can wake up every morning vomiting rainbows. There’s always a price to pay and sometimes you don’t realize how much you’ve paid until you’re all spent. Growing old is a lot of figuring out which versions of yourself you want to mesh together, which parts matter and which were just useless. I guess I’m finally seeing me, realizing the parts that have hurt me and the ones that kept me strong. I’m deciding who I want to be, not which me will be the most convenient for everyone else. It’s time I put the door back and let this girl free. If I don’t care about her, why should you?