My friend asked me the other day what I wanted to do. I was working and I’ll be honest I’m in this weird place right now where I can’t quite pinpoint my direction. I mean I know what I wanted to do but being an adult with responsibilities doesn’t quite allow me to just do what I want to do. If I didn’t have such a drive, who knows? Maybe I would be that person who could just do whatever I wanted. I’m not though. I’ve never been because I don’t know how to how to balance life and myself very well. It’s you or me and, more often than not, I’ll do you before I even think about me but here’s the thing. The older I seem to get, I’m starting to understand how little pay off there has been to how giving my life has been and now I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this quicksand and some days it feels like too much to pull myself out. The question “what’s the point?” rings too often and far too loudly these days. I drive myself bananas. I like to control but I hate plans. I love routine but I hate how bored it makes me feel. I really hate being bored. There, my friends lie at the root of some of my current issues. And because of this boredom, my over-analyzing brain has decided to clean out some closets.
I think in my younger years I purposely overdid stuff, put too much on my plate because I didn’t like feeling stagnant. I hated that feeling of not having enough to do. And if I did stop for a second, well then, I was going to have to deal with things I’d rather not. So I raised this kid and I worked so very hard at whatever job I was working and I said, “Hey, world, I’m a go-getter.” Then I met this beautiful human being of a man who was the first person to ever make me feel like it was OK to not be everything all the time. He made me feel like it was fine to sit down for a minute, to not work myself to the bone, to not do so much for everyone and to learn how to breathe. So, I did. I sat down and it felt great. My body thanked me. My brain, though, sat down at the kitchen table and, like Sonny, took out its box of tools. And now? Now I’m having coffee with old ghosts that I put away a long time ago because, in my younger years, I was not strong enough to deal with. Am I now? I don’t know but I do know that I’m tired of carrying them around. My life is more than half over, that is the reality. I’m not being morbid. I’m being realistic and it’s fine. I’m not afraid of my time but I am afraid of living the rest of my life in the cage that I created.
So what do I do? How do I get to the place where I can just do what I want without sacrificing other parts of my life? I don’t know. I sit down in my newly created studio and I honestly want to scream because I don’t have the answers. I got very angry at a Bare Naked Ladies song this morning. Go ahead and laugh at that sentence. I got nothing but love for those Canadians! So, for me to get mad at this song, made me laugh. It was this dumb song about how you never had to work a day in retail or mow lawns or do a job you hate. I was like, “Bullshit, BNL!” Because I’m sorry unless you’re extremely lucky or born into a life of leisure, you can’t just sing songs about pre-wrapped sausages (but listen I love you, guys!). While I love the sentiment of the song and maybe found it humorous when I was younger, the very exhausted adult in me did not appreciate this message. And that’s the thing. It’s not that I’m just bored, I’m so very tired. I am so tired of putting my energies in things that just don’t matter. I’m tired of being triggered by things that have no real meaning. I’m so over this world that just feels so sad and lost and unsure of itself. I have worked retail and in restaurants and low-level jobs that break your spirit and I’m crispy, guys. Until I figure out what the hell I’m doing, it’s not going to get much better.
About an hour after the BNL song made me so mad, George Harrison came on in my playlist. It’s a song I’ve never heard before. I like him but you know not the first artist I go for. There was a line in this song that I thought was fitting for my current state of mind, “And if you don’t know where you’re going. Any road will take you there.” I thought, all right, let’s just go. Let’s just pick a road and see where it goes because I’ve lost any sense of direction at this point. I like to know what kind of people I am dealing with but you know what? At the end of the day, I’m over dealing with people. I can’t balance you and me. I will always choose you so I’m going to take you out of the equation for the moment and I’m just going to do me. In the last two years, I think it’s been about me giving myself permission to go back to that corner where I used to sit and say, OK me, let’s do this. Let’s clean out those closets, these dark corners where hid and let’s stop blaming ourselves for things, for all these things. Let’s set these ghosts free one by one and eventually we’ll get down to me. I’m tired but I’m trying. What do I want to do? I want to do whatever I want. While I don’t know exactly what that means right now, I do know that change is imminent. Whatever road I take, it will get me there.