I look up from my table, see the people around me
Lost in laptops, coffee conversations of plans they make
But my chair is empty other than a ghost version of me from years before
And it's OK that she sits with me, that she mocks me sometimes.
She's my compass, the way I know which way to go
Because it's from her I was created, from her I grow.
Some days I wish there was something other than this ghost
A someone that would laugh with me, cry with me,
To get lost in meaningless words, to make empty plans with
But I realize I've always preferred my own company.
If I disappoint myself, that's on me
And it's much easier to blame myself than any of you.
We wear our headphones to drown each other out
While we nod as the other walks by, just sharing space
But we all know that's all we can tolerate of the other.
We're not here to swap baggage, to throw secrets like a food fight.
We all have our corners, the place we sit with our ghosts
To ground us, to inspire us, to comfort over foam
Because the world beyond this table is too loud.
I have days where I feel this ghost walk with me,
Days when she knows this world is too much.
She slips into my pocket and helps me find safe passage through my day,
Always bringing me back to this table, among these people
Lost in laptops, somewhere between headphones
Coffee whispers of the baggage we each silently carry.
The lines form and away they go.
A part of me is now yours to feel what you wish
But please be kind to them
Because they formed from somewhere inside
And now they are with you to love.
She sits faceless, staring at me
But I know who she is, she knows who she is.
I watch her be for all the world to see.
Sometime it feels as if I lose a part of me
Though I know it's these pieces I must set free
Or I will boil over unto you.
You don't deserve that.
So the lines form and off she goes
Making her way through the world.
Sometimes without any notice at all
But she's with me, always staring faceless at me,
Sharing secrets that only we know.
This girl that has follows me
And maybe it's my ego
Maybe I'm just full of myself
But if you see me, truly see me,
You know, too, I'm just as lost as you.
It doesn't scare.
I've found solace in this journey.
She is faceless and she is beautiful
And I share her with you
Because she is all of us.
She is all of us.
I look at him sometimes
Looking at me
And I grow jealous at the amount of love he has
Because I've never had that much love for me
Through all of these flaws I carry
Despite all of these scars that mark
He looks at me like I am perfect.
I looked at him
I said I wish I looked at me the way he did
And he smiled
Saying he wish I did, too.
I stare at him when he doesn't notice
I study the way he smiles
When he thinks no one is watching
Listen to his quiet chuckles
And feel so inspired by his strength
Though I know he carries his own demons
But he carries them so effortlessly
While mine weigh my pockets down.
I looked at him
I said I wish I was more like him
And he smiled
Saying he liked me just the way I was
I made him laugh the other day
But I did not mean to be funny
And he said I was his favorite person
I said he was mine, too
I watched him smile at me
Understanding that my darkness never scared him
And I guess I still don't understand how it hasn't
But he inspires my brightness.
I looked at him
I said I wish I was as bright as he was
And he just smiled at me
He didn't have to say anything at all.
The words float and I do my best to catch
But often they fly away
When I sit down to write them.
There is so much I would love to say
And too much I can't let go
But the way the world looks at me sometimes
Makes me wonder how much it would hear?
I hear the buzzing but you don't
And it used to make me angry.
I have stopped caring that much lately
Because what difference does it make?
I have to live in this skin.
You don't and it's not your fault
But it's getting easier I guess
To know the difference between you and me
And to accept the space between us.
I drove down that old street today,
The one that a younger version of me would walk,
Remembering how dirty it once felt.
It used to make me sad but I shrugged at it.
And thought even places had to change.
This now streamlined street was not the street of my youth
But I'm not the girl of my youth either.
Everything is older now and I guess that's OK.
All these words that I've written,
Bookmarks along this journey,
Reminders of all the roads I've traveled,
They all float away now
But I guess I'm not incredibly interested in caging them.
We all need freedom to just be.
I am just versions of who I used to be
And it's OK to let all of these versions just be
Without having to squash them in a photograph album.
I struggled with being seen for so long
But I'm a ghost and I'm not angry anymore.
Whatever I am right now can just be
There is a comfort in this stillness.
He jokes and says I bet all the boys love you
But I just laugh because it never made any sense
I am an idea, a thought,
Something that might feel good on
And I do but the reality of me is fleeting.
It used to bother me,
The way people would stare, what they were thinking.
I'm the girl with the tats, the good time.
It's just that was only me for a moment of my life
And then I faded, faded far away
Yet this idea stuck and I fooled myself for awhile.
The thing is he's the only one that sees me
For more than a fleeting thought.
He shakes his head at me when I get mad at my pants,
The way I say they don't fit, throwing them away
Because they do fit and that's the problem.
When cloth sits so close to my skin,
I feel like that thread is mocking me
And I know it's just my body dis morphia
But he doesn't sit in it like I do, soak in it like I have to.
I wish I could explain what I see, how this skin feels.
I don't care what you think of me
But mostly I care what I think of me.
I love when he says his affirming words.
It's just I can't explain how they scare me, too.
He reminds me of parts of myself that I forget
Because they were easier to move away from,
To put to the side, to let dust cover up over time.
I loved the way it felt to hide
But I guess I never realized how much I missed.
There's parts of me that dance, that shine
And I only give those parts to him.
I feel like I'm still making the world prove itself to me.
I'm still making it make up for every shitty past
Though I know I have let so much go.
Still, I have so much work to do
And I guess I still get caught up in my fear.
He laughs and we lay in bed, just the two of us,
And there is no place I'd rather be
Because he is safe, he is kind, he is mine.
Still, I always feel hesitant to be in the moment.
I know it can all be gone so quickly,
That this could be just a thought,
That I could be just another fleeting thought.
He will wake up one morning,
Realizing that the reality of me has worn out
But then he smiles and I breathe
And all of these anxiety filled doubts fly away.
I realize that this is the beauty that he taught me,
This vulnerability that I would have never had the courage to feel before.
The thing is it isn't that he sees me.
It's that he showed me how to see myself
As flawed, as incomplete, as lovely as I am.
I break my own heart over and over again
But I’m never surprised.
Sometimes I feel like I enjoy the jagged edges,
the pieces of my heart like Lego shrapnel
That I just continuously walk on
Just to remind myself I am alive.
Sometimes you don’t get it,
The sadness that I bathe in when no one is looking
But I’m not trying to explain myself anymore.
What does it matter to you if I’m a little low?
I’ll still give you that smile
Because even though I’m drenched in this dark
Please understand I’m still just as bright.
I just can’t wear it all of the time
And it takes more out of me to share my joy
Then to show my scars.
You can’t harm what is already hurt
But this happy I have?
It’s fleeting and I know it too well
If I share it with you, it’s no longer mine.
It’s a dress we can all wear.
Sometimes my triumphs have to be mine alone.
Maybe it’s the fear that if I show you,
If I show you how bright I really shine,
It will be doused immediately
And will fade into just something that happened once.
I break myself so often but I know why.
It doesn’t really matter if you understand.
I guess I’m tired of denying certain parts of me.
For every break I feel, I heal differently.
And for every new heal,
I find room for more discovery.
I keep pieces of me laying around my head
To keep as patchwork when I need them
Because when I put them back together?
When I put me back together
What a beautiful creation I will be.
I look at you and I can't decide
If I want to swallow you whole
Or run away like a flash before you see me
Because the idea of you, this thought of me
Doesn't make sense together.
So many rainbows have flickered across my sky
After the summer afternoon storms that pass
That I find it hard to accept the inbetweens.
I want the world to make sense
But I get small joys in the eye of my chaos.
I understand your frown, love your frown
And know there is still joy behind it
Even if you can't see it.
I go up and down,
To the depths of my deep
And the highs of my clouds
That there are times I don't know how to land
But I can't seem to be any other way.
Too many years I've tried to stay in the middle,
Hide that sadness that is me
Cover the anger that festers
Be that smile that you want me to be
But I'm tired and fed up and over it.
It is too much work to try to make me fit,
To make me fit into you or you or you,
Knowing once upon a time I knew I never would.
Somehow I forgot
And thought your opinion of me
Mattered more than mine.
This roller coaster that is me used to frighten
But I understand more and more every day
That the drop in my stomach,
That the fear that buzzes in my ears,
That the butterflies that dance in my belly
Are what inspire what truly lives inside of me.
These uneven frequencies that I can't seem to rope
Sometimes are hard to define
But I look at you and love the way you look at me
And I will never know what to do with that
Except smile awkwardly
And dance in the strange way that makes you laugh.
Sometimes when I sit with myself in my quiet
I get lost inside holes that I create
Overthinking the days gone
Over-analyzing the things people said,
The things people didn't.
I beat myself up and then I bring myself up
But I never feel like I get it quite right.
Often times when I close my eyes in my dark
I become overwhelmed by the visions that flash.
Trying to hold onto the light
But so often feeling like the dim won't let go.
I talk myself down and I talk myself up
But I never feel like I get anywhere.
Just spinning in this circle.
A lot of times I wish I wasn't so invisible
But in a breath the minute you look
I know I'll shy away back into my shadows
Because I don't know what you see
And I don't know what I trust.
The moment I smell insincerity
I close up, shut down, stuck in my own way.
I feel exposed and incomplete,
Not knowing how to show my glow
Without feeling like it will just be dashed out
My eyes haven't smiled in a long time
And I feel the swell of tears too often
But I don't know how to tell you
Because the minute you look at me,
The minute I think you hear me,
I back down, hide away, spinning on my own.
Sometimes when I sit with myself in my corner
I wish you were sitting with me
And I wish I could say these words,
Say these words as easy as I write them
But we know this is where they'll stay
And I'll go on getting in my own way.
I draw pictures of people without faces
Because I don't want you to feel what I do
Because when I give them faces
I know the world can see my sadness,
That lost look that I try to hide
And nothing is inherently wrong
But my soul feels lost, my spirit feels trampled
My heart feels like it's been shattered for years.
I have the love of a man
I birthed a healthy, beautiful child
I have a few friends
I draw my pictures, write my words
And still can't fill myself up but I try.
I want to wake up one morning and feel enough,
To feel that what I have is enough but it's not
There is a whole universe within me I haven't discovered
But my sun keeps getting blocked out by this life,
This life where we struggle so much to get by
That we absolutely fail at allowing ourselves to grow.
I chase this dream, chasing my tail,
Hoping that one day someone will read this work,
Hoping that one day someone will see a line,
And understand the beautiful chaos my mind is.
I wake up every morning,
Thinking that maybe today is the day
I get pulled out of this mediocrity,
Where I can provide for my family by doing what I love
And not sacrificing me like I've done for so long.
I'm tired of sacrificing, tired of feeling so beat down.
But I will continue to chase
And I will continue to sacrifice
Maybe I will continue to fail
Still the faceless girl won't allow to stop
She will continue
And, for her, I will keep drawing her poetic, tragic lines.
I want to tell you things, all these things
That dance around in my head
But then I look at you, at all of you
And all those words you tell me you want me to say
Because even I said them, I would still not be honest
I wrote a poem the other day
It will never see the light of day
Because it was so angry that I can't allow it to see the light
Because sometimes words are just for me
Though I get angry that I feel like I can't give them to you
I want to tell you, to tell you everything
But I want you to know without me saying a word
Because somehow it feels like I'm whining,
Feels like I'm burdening you
But you say, please, tell me
And when I do no one ever really listens
Caught in this constant vortex of me
That is so unsure of you, of all of you
When I feel like there is more than me
I am left with no one at all
I got so angry in this poem that I wanted to give it to you, to all of you
Until I let it sit, I simmered,
And I knew that my anger would be lost
Like it is most the time anyway
It's not that I chose to be the girl in the corner
It's that the girl in the corner was the only one who has never left me behind,
I am not an afterthought to her
And I know you can't understand that
Maybe I just won't let you
Maybe she just has to be mine, not yours
It's not that I don't know who I am
Because I know very clearly who sits in this skin
It's just that I can't show you
Without feeling like I will be trampled
And I don't want to tell you,
I want you to see
But, after all these years, shadows have become what I wear
I wish you could understand, all of you could understand
I lost myself a long time ago
But I always knew where I left her
Those angry words reminded me
I'll post this poem and maybe you will read it
Maybe these words will just be mine again
But she's sitting with me right now
I'm sitting with me right now
And you know?
Maybe that's what matters more
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.