You wake up one morning, rub your eyes, and realize that it's time for a change.
You take inventory of where you, take stock of where you want to be.
You get out of bed, one foot at a time now,
not like you used to with two feet jumping about.
You understand obligations, responsibilities.
You understand change now isn't as scary
because you are confident in your direction.
And even if you are unsure of the how,
there are no more hesitations in the where.
You take your time, calculate your next move
because now the consequences and rewards are all yours just the same.
You put your head down, work hard,
and know that when you look up again
you will be exactly where you always knew you would be despite the sand pits.
You are an adult, a completely whole being who understands change has always been inevitable, a beautiful inevitable.
Skinny legs and blonde hair, I was nothing but muscle.
I stare back at me from the pictures.
I wonder why I thought I was all wrong,
So insecure about everything but still I knew it all, didn’t I?
I would have jumped into a bull pen to prove the smallest of my points.
Thin faced and tiny wrists, I was nothing but fight.
I smile back at me from that picture.
I was so scared back then but my bark was viscous, wasn’t it?
I ran and ran and built fortresses around me
Because I refused to be anyone’s joke
But I ended up building a mote that I never could crawl out of, not for a long time.
Perky chest and that flat stomach, I was nothing but skin and bones.
That body that I never thought was good enough mocks me from that picture.
If I had known how beautiful I really was back then, I would have had a lot more confidence
But I thought my boney knees were fat, my thighs disgusting,
Because that’s what I thought I was supposed to think.
Bright eyes and an innocent smile, I was nothing but hope.
I shine brightly from the picture.
I see now what was always there, the girl before she broke, the girl before I bloomed.
If I had known the woman sitting here now then, I wouldn’t have been so frightened
But the thought of the future terrified me too much
Because I didn’t know how beautiful growing up really was until it was over.
I can't explain what pushes me forward,
What keeps me going when I should stop
But I know that I can't walk away when I should.
I would be wonderful at a million different things
And I would be horrible at a thousand more.
None of it would matter but I won't stop.
She needs to talk and he needs to cry
And I will always be the shoulder they lean
Because the idea of dissapointing hurts too much, mocks too often.
I have no idea what keeps me truckin'
When I feel like there is no point to it.
He needs my help and she needs my attention.
I will always put you first, always put you first
Even when I know I need a minute.
There are no complaints, no hesitations
Because I would rather you need me
Then forget me altogether.
There are parts about me that are too stubborn,
Parts about me that I wish I could let go.
Sometimes I look in the mirror
in complete unison with the skin I occupy
and in quieter times I struggle
but I won't ever give up, won't ever stop
because she needs a hug,
because he needs a kiss.
I can't tell you why after all these years
I still exist, still thrive, still push on
but I realize more every day the things I need,
the things I need lie in them all,
poetically fitting in this shoulder for you.
He stood behind her, covered by the wall,
Safe because she had her back turned towards him,
Safe because he knows all he has to do is say the words
Without meaning because she will always believe.
So she screamed fuck you because she was tired,
Tired of the lies he throws out there as bait,
Bait to believe he’ll never abandon her.
She stood by the kitchen sink, not caring about the stains,
Safe because he couldn’t see the hate raging inside her for him,
Safe because she knows the truth of what he really is
Without him ever saying a single word.
His lies scream from his eyes
From the way he looks at her to the way he smiles.
He is safe as long as he can manipulate her,
Safe because he deems her weak, incapable,
Safe because he knows his hands will keep her in line.
So she turned around with her red eyes and sighed
Because she knew he hadn’t heard a tear she cried,
Because she knew he would always be back with more lies
After a few months when his charm ran out elsewhere.
She was safe until someone else turned their back on him
Because she was his comfort zone, his welcome mat.
He stood at the door, hiding under his hat,
Safe because she couldn’t see his eyes when he said he would never abandon her,
Safe because she knew she just heard his greatest lie yet.
She stood with her hand on the door and finally shut it
Because she finally understood this man was toxic,
Because she finally accepted she was better than him…
In my life, I have been so many different things, a handful of characters, quirky and serious the same.
I look at my hands, a bit more wrinkled than I remembered, a bit more scarred than I would like but all is fair after these many years.
I have never been one to dwell once I decided I no longer wanted to hang on to hang ups.
There is a cold breeze across my neck, reminding me of so many other cold breezes that crossed my neck
and all I can think of is how nothing has changed.
I often dream of that rocking chair that I will inevitably sit in, knitting and humming,
smiling as the days pass me by.
I will have oh so many things,
A daughter, someone's mother, their wives,
a friend, someone somebody once knew.
All of these rolls made me a bit better, a bit worse, some didn't change me at all.
I have been a victim, a villain, the one who stirred the pot
but what I have always been is a survivor,
the hesitant leader, a hopeless romantic.
I have a scar on my knee from chicken pox
and a scar on my ankle from falling off a car.
I have stretch marks on my belly from where my child once grew
and the hole in my heart from when I lost my father, the chip on my shoulder he gave me,
but for all these things I have, once was
I am the same girl I always was, always will be.
Time will change the moles on my skin.
Time will teach me new lessons
but time makes who we truly are clearer everyday.
He said he would grow old with me.
He said he would love me until the day he died.
They are both gone.
Does it matter that I am no longer the swing in their sway?
That I’ve fallen from being the apple of their eye?
A moment of love eases a lifetime of loss.
He said he would meet me at our coffee shop on December 20th at 4:20 p.m.
And I said I would be there but I never showed up.
Life sidetracked us, rambling around, engrossed in our own trivial.
I should have been there but I know he never showed up either.
He said he could not imagine a day without me
So I wonder how he gets by now?
We give each other these words, words we truly mean
Until the day comes when we realize they were all empty
But I can look in the mirror and smile.
A boy, a man once loved me, stood tall just for me
And they’re both gone now but I’m not.
He said he would never forget me, that he meant it.
I said I would always be around.
Does he know that I can’t take the statue of Mary seriously anymore?
Does he realize that pine straw still makes me uncomfortable just to look at?
A moment of love eases the memories that hurt.
It smells like Autumn; the chilly breeze rubs against my cheeks.
Things are in motion.
Life is in motion.
It twirls the leaves, strips the trees of their changing colors
To prepare them for another round of Winter.
Drink my coffee I do and enjoy the feeling of the wind,
The arms of life that hold me steady, hold me close.
It whispers in my ear, asking to take my leaves, too,
To prepare me for another hibernation, another chance to bloom.
I’ve got a million blossoms inside me, a million different colors
And every Autumn I let the leaves go and start a brand new me.
Pumpkins are starting to light up the night with children’s giggles.
The world prepares for the dead where nothing is what it seems,
Where all life gets to come out and play.
October is for all of us, young and old.
Autumn comes and we all reach for the warmth of love,
Reminding us of how dear life is, how dear we all are.
With the Winter, time stands still, time fades away, time sleeps.
Spring will wake us up and we will all smile again,
Welcoming our new day, our brand new bloom.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.