The wind hums with change.
Of what? I cannot be sure of but it is of no matter.
My path is clear, without the rubble of past wrong doings.
I sit in my spot, listening to rhymes over speakers as the world spins by.
We all ride our own waves, whether we stand or swim, we ride them out.
People pass me by full of their own idiocies.
I laugh, mine just all happen to be written down.
I don't feel alone in this wind today,
feel like I'm flying even though I know I haven't left this chair.
Sun shine bright.
What more can there be?
If you want me to bend over, you never knew me as a person.
Our ties have been shredded by you, the one holding the scissors,
but you ignorantly believe I owe you something.
I turned cold, that's what you said, so you found warmth elsewhere.
Did you ever think that was the reason I froze you out?
Yes, darling, I knew the scum you were long before I admitted it to either of us.
You left me with a child to raise, our child that we created together,
while you go out and play daddy to someone else's.
If you want me to go out of my way for you, watch the playback.
You were never worth my breath.
The only good thing you ever had in you is the child I now coddle
and you are no longer welcome in this home.
Smile at me, boy, and I am yours.
Turn those dark eyes my way
and you will see the girl of your dreams.
Good night to my someone, off I ride into slumber.
Slide your hand across my knee.
Trace your finger along my neck.
Show me the universe in your palm
and navigate your way into my heart.
Goodnight to my someone, off I fly into that starry sky.
Whisper words of poets gone into my thirsty ears.
Sigh rainbows between these silent thoughts.
Speak of prophecies only you can make true.
Good night, my someone, off I run back to my walls of safety.
Break down what I build against you.
Destroy the lines I give myself to keep you away.
Erase all the others who built road blocks with their departures.
Good night, my someone, off I go unless you grab hold.
Did you know you loved me at the first moment?
Was it something I said to make you fall so hard?
It was never in my agenda to let you into my heart
and yet you made it there almost effortlessly.
Did you know on this day almost four years later I would be sitting a loveless woman?
Does she love you like I could have but never did?
A breath away and still never able to touch?
You never knew what you had in me or maybe that was me.
I had no intentions on loving you even remotely
but you drowned me with your promises, losing my direction.
Are you angry that I cut off your love first?
Surely you saw I was not an easy one to conquer.
My eyes rarely met your own, my hands fidgeted too much.
Are you upset that you weren't the one to change me?
That you weren't the one that brought my smile back?
Did you know when we started we were doomed?
One look at you, I already knew where I would end up.
One look at you and I knew you were going to be a hell of a ride.
He thought he could mold me into his masterpiece,
taking my soul to places I would never reach.
Is that not what they all think?
They place themselves in my sky,
expecting me to believe they are the sun,
the givers and takes of the world I live in.
Painting stars in my eyes, flashing moonbeams against my thighs.
He took one look at me, thinking I needed what he could do,
the endless possibilities of the beauty he could fill me up with.
Add a little make-up, place me on a parade, a perfect trophy for the man he is.
They are all the same in the end,
little boys who only think they know what they want,
a breathing Barbie who cooks like their mother and fucks like a porn star.
He believed he could beat the spirit out of me, destroy my resolve to be who I am,
and replace my sky with frumped up promises and white washed lies.
Side by side, we sat, once lovers and now friends.
The words came as you waited for my reply.
Inhaling cigarette smoke and drinking sweet tea,
I offered you now what you were expecting
and barely there emotions, it was all I had to give.
I could tell by your look, your hesitation, my lack of protest hit a core with you.
I put on a smile to put you at ease, to hide my disappointment.
I told you I had a natural talent for landing on my feet.
This was just another event in my grand scheme.
You said you held on to tightly while I replied with pure arrogance.
I no longer wanted to sit with you, once lovers and no longer friends.
Gathering my pack of cigarettes, I stood to leave.
You asked again if I would be all right.
I smiled sadly, saying I would see you around.
This is the path that I walk,
a delicate balance of who I am and want to be,
still never adding up to the sum I aim for.
Almost a quarter of a century old, the blood of my youth still shakes my frame.
You want me to lay myself down, air my dirty laundry to a world not prepared
but I will keep it to myself.
You see and I see but what is it we are seeing?
Attempts at pinning me down to a generalization fail you miserably.
As cold as ice and as hot as they come, I fit nowhere in particular.
I walk my path, leaving breadcrumbs,
but it is not you who I will end up with.
Sugar me sweet and butter me up but you are still not what I want.
Multiply that by a thousand and you'd still end up nowhere near me.
Would it be correct to say that if she never came into the picture,
you would still be mine?
No, it is easier to believe you left for another rather I no longer wanted you.
The memories bring no remorse for our failed affair.
You were never able to reach inside and pull me out,
not like I needed you to, not like you cared to.
Our destructive relationship involved no one else beside the two of us.
You prefer to say I turned cold, that I was the one who pushed you out.
You may be right or wrong or who cares.
You got the woman you want, didn't you?
Someone to fluff your pillows, to accept what you call love?
You got the woman who I would never be.
You got your puppet.
You want to know what it is I do not speak
but I hold tight to the words my heart will never say.
I cannot say who it is I am trying to protect.
You have yet to tell me what it is you want.
Circles we speak, back at the beginning we end,
always roasting our faults in each other's hazy sun.
You tell me you want me to be happy, refusing to believe I am.
Worlds away from each other, you tell me.
You don't understand the casualness of my lovers.
You see princes all around me, making me laugh at your delusions.
I humor myself with my blindness.
There were no guarantees when we started this,
ending the same way with no expectations.
You don't need to ask how I feel.
Circles we run, back to the start,
going nowhere, sizzling in the sun.
You only get it half right.
The psychosis of me runs deep than any one person can reach.
I know the rules of a game you never played.
The look in a man's eye tells me what I need to know.
You sit, ready to psychoanalyze me.
You make me laugh with your pen and paper.
When all is said and done, you don't want to know my reasons.
I tell you I want a hero but I have no desire to be rescued
but a hero is the only man in the world with the strength enough to stand beside me.
You scoff at my stubbornness, staring me down,
and wait for me to cop what you say.
I see me for who I am with no plans on changing my pieces.
You attempt to dig deeper to the places I control tightly
but you still get nowhere near my truth.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.