It was a dream, just a dream, of you and I sitting together on a sunny afternoon.
It wasn't real, not like it used to be, not like when it mattered.
You rubbed your chin at me and I always knew what that meant.
It was something I said, something I did that you didn't agree with.
I admit it never bothered me when we disagreed, just when we disappointed the other.
I could never tell you most of the words I should have shared with you
And I was never able to listen to all those things you tried to teach me.
You were just a dream though under that sunny sky,
Drinking our coffee and watching the clouds speed by.
I heard you sing the other day when I wasn't paying attention,
When I was having a moment of frustration about a dumb little thing that didn't matter,
And it made me laugh thinking about all those flowers you never bought me,
Made me sad that you weren't waiting by the phone for me anymore.
I know that I've written more poems about you now that you're gone
Then I ever wrote while you were more than just a dream
But in my way, in the only way I know how, this is how I say goodbye,
This is how I hold on, too.
You said to me in that sunny dream that you were still watching,
Still tucked quietly where I had always put you,
Making me wish I hadn't tucked you away so often in my life,
Knowing that in our own way our relationship was always special.
It was just a dream, just a dream of me and you, you and I, drinking our coffee
And the more I think about it that is how I will see you again,
Waiting at the coffee shop for me, rubbing your chin at all the things I did after you left
But I know that your chin won't be rubbed raw for the things I did not do
Because since you went away, I finally listened to you.
I finally understood why you were truly rubbing your chin at me.
It was never out of disappointment, just out of love.
I have many dreams about you and I but none of them are real,
Not like they used to be but somehow they matter so much more, so much more.
Sometimes when I think that I got it all figured out,
It is more apparent that I have no idea which way I want to blow.
So I sit down with my cup of coffee and pull out my pen
And hope that I find my direction by the time I reach the last end.
I take stock in the things that I have, the things that I don't,
Laughing at the trivial words that come out of these hands sometimes.
I know that half the things that boil my blood don't matter.
I understand that the other half of those things should make my head explode
But still I sit here and try to reconfigure my direction.
I have these words, these lovely little pieces of me that I throw down,
Hoping you all understand how to pick them up,
Knowing that half of them will be littered on my floor,
Balled up lost thoughts that will never see the light of the day.
And I wonder if that is all this life is,
Balled up ideas that never got the chance to bloom,
Laughing at myself for the melancholy in my fingers today.
I become too philosophical for my own good
And it only leads to more confusion when I try to understand,
Try to understand which direction is the right one.
We have these opportunities in our lives,
Opportunities that are lined with good, with bad, with nothing at all.
I never know which one is right,
Just know whichever way I go I will land all right
And even if I stumble I can't be too angry at my missteps.
So I sit down with my trusty pen and battle out my funny little path,
Smiling at the kid upstairs and loving the man working,
Laughing over friends with beers and cuddling those sleepy fur babies,
Understanding that maybe the direction doesn't matter all that much anyway.
They say that I will see you again,
That you are never really far away
But it's been a year and those words,
Those words bring little solace.
When I was just a girl, you were there
Even when I couldn't see you
But all I had to do was look.
And I think of that now,
Now when even if I look
You won't be there
But I wish I had seen you so much more often.
Sometimes I sing the song you used to sing to me and I tell myself it's because,
It's because your spirit is with me in that moment, sighing and missing you more.
I was the kid that stayed in the corner,
The little kid that never needed that much attention.
I just never realized how often you noticed me,
Not until I found all the pictures you left behind.
And I was the adult child that left,
Never looked back to see how that hurt you
But I hope you know now I was always your little girl even when I wasn't.
They tell me that all these words that I never shared with you,
All these words that I held back
Out of anger, out of hurt, out of fear
But mostly out of love you hear now
Even though I never said them to you.
I wish I could have shared with you
More of the woman you raised
But I was stubborn and proud
And grew up to be so much like you,
So much like you with your gentle heart,
So much like you with a pocket full of dreams.
It's been a year, a year since you died.
A year since I sat outside that hospital room
While you went to a different place.
Still I was that kid in the corner,
Scared because I knew the next I looked up to see you, I would never see you again,
Not until it will be my turn to leave my child behind.
And I know that you are never far away.
I just wish I had looked up sooner,
Wish I had noticed how proud you were
When we were standing on the same ground.
I tell them that I am all right,
Tell them that it gets easier the more time passes and I'm not lying.
I am not lying when I tell them these words
But I know inside I cry more than I will ever admit because,
Because this life goes on
And I will go on without you just the same,
Your stubborn girl in the corner
Who even if I never said any of these words
Always knew you were there.
Life, my life, is not for you or you or you
But all for me and all the secrets it keeps.
I tumble and I fall and I rise and I soar
Regardless of the weeds I must walk through.
There is a joy laughter that sorrow brings.
There is no life to be left out, not here.
Cry your tears, grab your Kleenexes, move on
Because life doesn’t wait for you to catch your breath.
Turn your face towards the sun, let the rays water your soul,
And feel yourself grow little by little.
All greatness takes time if you allow.
This life is all for me, wrapping myself up in its elusive manner.
I fail and I skip and I tear and I glow
Regardless of obstacles that emerge from my shadows.
There is a love that desperation inspires.
I regret none of my ill-fated destinies
Because living is one of the blessing life brings.
Scream to the heavens, fall on your knees but life will keep going.
Life, my life, is not for you or you or you but all for me,
All for the whims I have to take, for all the winds I have left to ride,
For all the rhymes I have yet to write.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.