A smile and some winks over some creamy pasta
Talking about this bubble of a life we created
And I couldn't help but to feel this warmth
That we've woven when it's just us.
Through this dream of a life we live
We've stumbled, we've fallen, we've failed
But somehow in the clutter we've become, too.
I think about the moment I knew there was love.
I recall the instant I knew he was forever.
I will never forget that face at the end of the aisle.
All of these moments led us to that creamy pasta.
It just takes a smile through the fog
To remind me that every misstep was for something, was for us, for me to understand what love truly means.
In the twisted tale of this hard life
A happy living was in store for a girl like me,
This woman I've become
Who still feels at times out of place in this skin
But I'm starting to fit into the wrinkles.
These moles have become mile markers
For every minute I've been lucky to breathe
Next to him, this man who somehow found me.
This man who somehow silenced my feet
And smoothed my once jagged heart.
I sipped my coffee, my bitter addiction,
As I looked over the table
And I couldn't help but to laugh to myself
Because for all the things we don't see eye to eye on
We see each other so very clearly.
I know the minute he falls to sleep
And he knows the second I wake.
Somehow on this earth I've found a haven
Sitting across from him, this man.
We've got goals, we've got plans, we've got this journey we've plotted out together.
I don't know how these steps will fall
But we know our direction, standing beside the other.
We will grow weary, we will become tired
And somehow that does not frighten me like it used to
Because he will be sitting across that table from me when I need a rest, when he needs to be still
In our beautiful little bubble of a life
With a smile, with some winks, with a bowl of creamy pasta.
You got this, this you got whispers around my head
when in the weeds I fall
when anxiety starts to wrap around my neck.
Trying to convince me the wrongdoings of my good intentions,
lies woven into a quilt that never keeps me warm
but I get it, I got it.
Somehow in the tangles of my chaos I find comfort,
comfort because I know the steps to this dance
and how to swerve when I should sway,
knowing that kindness spreads like a wildfire when love is fed.
Warmth brightens this darkness that pecks
and I feel it but I can numb it, too.
My knees fall weak, feat crumble but the spine does not break.
This spirit spins around me but that wind holds me upright
when exhaustion starts to creep
when the fight feels like it is losing its meaning,
pushes me forward when I fall behind
but I won't break, I don't break.
A breeze, one small breeze brushes my cheek
and I am reminded of everyone I used to be
when my character is put into question
when my compassion is tarnished by someone's selfishness,
accepting who ever I am today is as brilliant as I ever was before,
affirmations that keep my soul humble,
whispering I got this, this I got...
I remember the way he laughed,
The way he would smile at things that were never that funny,
How quickly he would poke just to make us giggle, just to make us smile.
I remember all the small habits he had,
The way he picked at his finger nails
And the way I sometimes find myself doing the same things.
When I look in the mirror quickly,
It is his reflection I see, his smirk that shines back.
It used to make me sad,
Make me miss him more
How much I resembled him
But now, now it reminds me he goes on.
This life comes in waves, sometimes tidal.
I can't catch my breath, can't find a seat
And then I hear him laugh through a memory.
I hear him sing through a breeze.
I am not without
But in the same breath I feel his loss.
Time goes by, longer and longer, I cannot see him.
Two years since I last saw his face
But it wasn't really him lying there that night
Because I know that he had already moved on.
I know that his life had already ended
And his spirit had already taken flight.
So what now?
What now two years later?
I have landed again back in old familiars
With souls that held me up that day, every day since.
I take note of the triumphs over the last two years
And I know that it has been because of him
I finally found my feet.
I know that it was in the belief he had in me,
The belief that I always shrugged off
Because I thought he had to believe in me.
I accept today that belief.
One day I can tell him all of these beautiful words.
Some day I'll tell him I finally found the courage he always knew I had, a courage that once terrified me never will again.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.