I buried him three years ago
Into the ground he went.
And I'm fine
But our song came on today,
Crushing the thin facade of fine to pieces
Because I wasn't
And I'm not
But life goes on without him.
Three years have gone by
Still I sit here and cry just like it was yesterday
His spirit moved on
I get angry that he had to go
Though it is selfish and stupid
Because he couldn't have stayed
Even if his body hadn't broken so harshly.
Our song came on today
And I wasn't fine
Because all I could hear was his voice
And all I could see was my little girl self
Smiling on his lap
Laughing about the flowers he said he wouldn't cut for me,
Giggling about the phone calls he wouldn't make,
Realizing in that moment he will never call me on the phone again just like the song said.
I wish I could hear that song
And be fine.
That these triggers wouldn't crush me so
When otherwise I am perfectly fine.
I have accepted that I will miss him for the rest of my life
I have accepted that fact that I will never see him again
But the hole in my heart that he left
Still hasn't quite been able to be convinced.
Every year this day has come since.
Every year seems to get harder than the last
But my life goes on without him
And I will be fine if not a bit battered.
Maybe one day I'll be able to listen to this song
And not become an instant mess.
Maybe one day I'll actually be fine
But for now I'll just say the words
And pretend to believe them.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.