As I sit in this life, I realize that so much of it has been spent in fear, in doubt, in haste.
This concept of enough has been the constant noose loosely hanging around my neck, my toes teetering on the edge.
This idea of doubt turned into the monster under my bed
That mocked me into adulthood.
Sometimes my heart, while often tucked so deeply inside,
Grows bigger than my ability at times.
And I sit here, here in this tattoo shop on a Wednesday afternoon, with the machine buzzing in my ears,
Listening to the men chatter, I smile.
Just yesterday I drew a line in the sand that I haven't had to draw in quite some time and I felt myself shake
Because the thought of not being enough rattled my bones
And I could feel that noose tighten... until it didn't.
That doubt that always growls from the shadows whined
But I remember the moment clearly
When I understood it has always been my runaway imagination.
I sit in this life among the buzzing, among the chatter
And for the first time in a long time that line isn't so blurry.
There are times when a direction is given,
When something seems like the appropriate path
Only to realize it's not the right road
But you keep going because of this or that.
Then you find yourself knee deep,
Knee deep in a sand pit you never meant to step in.
So what do you do?
How do you readjust? And I don't know.
I think about the butterfly nets
And the bread crumbs I've left along my way.
I think about the demons that still chase,
The tiny dark pieces that I can't let go of
And then I remember a smile that he gave me,
The little moments when I knew it all
Without the doubts that now seem to pile in pockets.
I go forward with good intentions.
I go forth with kindness and gratitude,
Knowing these two things will always hold these dreams back in some way.
So what do I do now that I stand here?
When the only place I want to be is lost in between these lines?
I keep going, throwing my breadcrumbs,
Hoping I can find my way back.
I stray and I sink and, yes, I fail.
I suppose I have to find peace with that
Because these sand pits have a way of appearing out of nowhere regardless if it's the right road or not.
I know where I come from,
Know where I want to go.
It's the parts in between I seem to get stuck in.
What I want you to say I will never hear.
You see something in my eyes and know what it is
But you will never acknowledge the words.
When I tell you that I am fine,
What I want you to hear is that I am not.
I need to you to read between my lines
Instead of taking me at face value.
All I want is for you to take my hand
And hold my chin up when it falls low
But you are content on watching only what is on my surface.
When I am not looking, my hand cradles my head
And you stand on the side away from me,
Not seeing that you could pick me up if you just reached for me once.
What I want you to do, I will never feel.
You see a sadness around me and know you can help
But you will never acknowledge the words I need you to say.
I am strong and confident
But I still need someone to tell me I am going to be fine.
When I tell you that I do not need help
What I want you to hear is that I do.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.