I love like my father.
I protect like my mother.
He showed me an open heart
And she taught me how to protect it.
As a child I would get lost between the two
Not knowing how much of me to give,
Regretting when I gave too much,
Scolding when I did not give enough,
Never really finding a balance between the two.
He smiled at me freely
While she chose carefully when to embrace,
Confused by which way I should love.
As I grew, as I hurt, as I pained, as I learned joy
I found myself landing somewhere between
Wanting to love freely in the way he smiled
But not wanting to lose my poise like her.
I wish I could have allowed my heart to open
Without having it had it crushed so many times
Just as much as I wish I could have flowed
When I shut it inside so tightly.
He was kind and honest and ready to break
And she was strong and solid and ready to fight.
Somewhere in the middle I landed
Willing to love, willing to give, willing to embrace
Yet always terrified to truly be that vulnerable
But I find the balance in these words
In these lines I find my place.
This safe place where I can love freely like him
And own exactly who I am like her,
Knowing exactly that the words I pour out of this heart
Come from the most vulnerable parts of me.
I feel him every time my heart skips a beat
And I hear her every time I take a deep breath,
Their lessons somewhere in between the sighs
In this path that life has taken me.
I don't know if his way of loving was better
Or if hers gave me that much more strength.
I do know that love was always given.
I love like him
I protect like her
And somewhere in the middle I have landed
There is light even within the sometimes gray I find myself in, In the dust that swirls
Because I have felt love's embrace in the deepest of holes when I didn't believe my own existence.
I feel its warmth seep through the scars left in the aftermath of my destruction, my many falls,
And I smile when it shines through.
I know that light, that sometimes faded light, is just the lovely from pain now gone,
Blooming into something more than what you will ever see.
I have sat in the corner for so much of my life
Because I became terrified of the dark,
the monsters under my bed,
the tiny creature that would steal my breath if I closed my eyes
After the world around me became so cold,
Shutting too many doors for me to keep open
And taking away so much of my light,
Suffocating a once boundless spirit
To become a suety version of a less appealing Cinderella
Because I didn't think the light would ever find me again, it was easier to sit quietly,
Sit quietly in that corner and hope the monsters forgot I existed, until I forgot I existed
But I exist and I know that now
Even if still get lost in a corner within the dark that I know I will never truly shake.
I don't find that as paralyzing anymore,
Not as suffocated by the embers that no longer shine because I know, I see, I feel,
I am those embers that still light so fiercely inside me,
That push me along and hold my hand
When I get lost in the gray that still beats in this heart, this worn and beautiful heart.
I wish there were words to explain
Or a picture I could draw to make you understand
The chaos that sometimes happens
But I know I will never draw just the right line,
Will never figure out the right order of words,
Making me feel like I am still alone in my corner,
Screaming but no one, not a soul hears me
After all these years, after all this time.
And then a light shines from somewhere within me, warming my heart, cradling this spirit,
Telling me that it's just a matter of gray
Before I find that light once more,
Reminding me that the softest, purest parts of me were nurtured by the dust that fell around me,
That protected me when the light was too bright,
Settling into the gray and blooming towards the light of my own little corner in my own time within my own shine
somewhere inside these dusty embers.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.