To do right by everyone means sometimes forgetting about me
But there are places to be, people to see, things to get done.
Who else in this life can do them but me?
Sometimes when I get obsessed with the tediousness of the day,
I fail to see the beauty in what is all around me.
I get side tracked by laundry, the dishes clean still sitting in the rack on the sink,
Losing the sound of a little girl's laugh, a dog's glee that I am home.
I worry too much about what I don't have, taking for granted what I do.
I want to be the shining star, the one everyone wonders how does she do it
But when my bones become fatigued, I pay no attention.
I push on, holding the foundation I've built all on my shoulders.
Sometimes my resolve does not equal my strength and I fall onto my knees.
I ignore too much, letting minutes of my life pass without gratitude for them
But there are still dreams to chase, wishes to make true
And who in this life can prevail if not me?
Sometimes I get wrapped up in what everyone else needs.
I don't recognize what it is that I need
And I am blinded by the tricks material possessions play.
Somehow I turn a year older, once a year reflecting on what life has taught me
But one way or another the moments go on without me
And I am back to yelling at the things I never had a chance of controlling in the first place.
I have a life to live, words to write, pictures to paint
And who else in this world can do them quite like me?
Sometimes I become annoyed with the juice stain I have to get out of the carpet
Or the groceries I seem to always be out of,
Forgetting the joy of one little girl, one small pup, the beauty of one tired mother
But I've got one inspiring family to keep together
And I know they need no one else but me.
*Originally written July 7, 2005
On that patio, among the laughter,
Broken hearted and excited about my new chapter.
I wanted to tell them all how much they meant
But they knew and I knew, we all knew.
I hoped they understood, hoped they wouldn't forget
the moment we were sitting in then,
sun on our backs and tears stained cheeks.
I hoped they realized I wasn't gone
and they wouldn't be forgotten,
we just sailed different ships is all.
And isn't that life?
This ever changing rocky water.
We move forward to stop from being stagnant,
Stepping back two steps only to propel us forward.
Timing is everything I once heard someone say
and as sad as I was to sit there in there goodbyes,
I knew that my timing was just right.
I wanted to tell them all that we were all just fine,
maybe a bit bruised but the swelling always goes down.
I hope they understood that wings have to spread
even if they are a bit dusty, a bit worse for the wear.
I couldn't be the every man's foundation any more
because I could feel the super glue failing,
because I knew that I had been away from myself too long.
My wind was going in a different direction
and maybe we'll cross paths again,
caught in the same cross wind.
Among our tears, we said our goodbyes
but we all knew that love stained our cheeks.
Love will always bring us back to that patio.
They say that the most touching words come from pain.
They could be right or wrong or neither.
All I know is that whatever pours out of these hands
I feel every word that forms.
As I sit here among these pieces of my broken heart
I know I feel every sharp edge they offer.
I see her sleeping in the corner
Though she isn't there.
I can smell her scent in the air around me
Though I know that soon enough it will fade, too.
I wish I could tell myself that it will get better,
Knowing that it always gets better,
But right now what I feel is lost.
Soon my babies will all fly away,
Realizing that I take care of so many
Because I am terrified of having no one left to care for,
Understanding at that point I must look inside.
Some of my most inspirational lines,
The lines that even make myself tear,
Came from a broken place
But I understand the power of setting them free.
I understand that once these words hit paper
The sorrow, the power of their sorrow,
Flies away into some unknown oblivion.
I have shared with you and you and you
The tiny swellings that I don't know how else to shake.
I want to make you feel, to make you feel
What I am trying to say,
Knowing that there is no guarantee
I will get my point across in the way I want.
I understand these fingers can't speak
But I know this is the only way my voice is heard
So I sit down in my chair, tuck my hair
And I let these painful inspirations fly.
So I sit here among my broken pieces,
These pieces that I continue to add to my bucket,
And I attempt to make sense of this plot twist,
Understanding that sense doesn't matter anyway.
I can still hear her soft breath, the creaks of her old bones
Knowing that it's just all in my head now
And not caring if it's real
Because comfort comes in all forms.
Her memory will hurt and my words will come.
Though I will heal,
I understand I will carry this broken heart around.
And for all the love she gave,
That will be the inspiration I choose to follow.
There are so many words, thoughts that occupy
But I won't share them the way I would intend
Because the way they would fall
Would never be caught.
And I sit here with the young couple beside me,
The older couple across from me,
Finding so much comfort in the middle.
Next week I will walk away from something old,
Something that I took all the knowledge I needed
To something new, something fresh.
While it is not where my feet dream to land,
It is a welcome change,
A beautiful place to land in the middle.
Once upon my time I needed to be the best,
Better then you, then this couple beside me
Because I thought it determined my worth.
And what I have realized is that I no longer have that sort of energy, that cruel drive
But what I do have now is honorable intentions
And all I really want is to make a beautiful life,
Understanding I may not always be caught
The way I intended.
What I realized is that I am not angry about it anymore either.
In the quiet embers of the fire I once was
Still burns the girl with the bright eyes
And what will always shine from the lightning that I once threw is the woman I have become.
And now I sit in this quiet, humbled and inspired
No longer needed to be caught
In the way I thought the world intended.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.