I have been alone, surrounded by many
And stood by no one at all.
Times the only friend I had was the one in the mirror but I never faltered.
Times where there were too many to count
but I never knew where to land.
I have had nothing to my name
Plenty to give
But I have never felt as if I could breathe.
I turn my head behind me
And I still feel the struggle in those footprints
But looking forward I know they won't be as deep.
Still I cannot shake the uneasy feeling
Of somehow not being enough
To the people around me, to myself,
To that little girl who now rests
In the journals that line that plastic container.
I wish I could calm the storm that chases me.
Somehow I've become the twister I seek
But I realize that turmoil that brews within
Has always been the fire that keeps me alive.
I could take it easy if I wanted to
Allow people to help me in the way
They have always wanted to
But I don't know if I will ever shake off
This need to do it all by myself
Because so much of my life has been spent
Two steps away from everyone else.
It has never made me sad or angry
Just uneasy, always restless,
Worried about things I know I cannot control.
All I want to give you is a smile
I want to embrace you and love you,
Understanding that to do that
I often give too much of myself
But there are no regrets for this life.
I have no fears of the things that lie inside of me
I can be thankful for knowing what nothing feels like
And I can be accept that these feelings I feel are sometimes too much to bare.
I have been strong while still feeling weak,
Been shattered but too stubborn to show my pieces
Because when you look at me
I know, have always known, that I must remain steady.
And I know there are times when you want to shake me because I won't stop.
Sometimes when I look back at yesterday
I feel the days that chase,
The old versions of myself that I was
And all those versions of myself I will never be,
But now I understand my short breath
I understand that stopping has never been me.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.