Sometimes I lose the sound of his voice.
I forget the way he used to laugh
And it saddens to me know the way time erases little pieces of him as it goes on.
I see the way my husband looks at our daughter,
Reminding me of the way my own father looked at me,
Giving me hope that I will never truly lose his memory.
I sit in his car and I feel him when my hands touch that steering wheel
But I know that he is not really in that car,
Just the comforting idea of him sits beside me.
I'd like to think that he's still watching over me
Rubbing his chin at me in the same way he once did when I didn't always behave
Making me laugh at the memory of his exasperation at my stubbornness I inherited from him.
It is another Father's Day without him
And I think I should go visit his grave
But I know I won't
Because there is a part of me
A part of me that doesn't want to see him there
Terrified that his spirit will come sit next to me on that bench while I stare at that stone.
And I wouldn't know what to say to him
But if I could find the words I would tell him thanks.
Thanks for being the best he could to me for 35 years
And thanks for every disappointment he ever had in me
Because in these last few years without him
I realized those disappointments were about much more than what I couldn't do
But about what I wouldn't do.
Somehow he always saw more in me than I did.
For so many years I held onto those disappointments as failures to him.
I drive in that car with him,
This ghost of him that I won't let go of still
Thinking about all those conversations we had
Missing poking fun at his sometimes absurd ways.
I catch myself rubbing my chin in his way at myself,
Laughing at myself
Tearing up at the loss of him
While knowing that in that loss
The lessons he left became crystal clear.
One day I will be able to stand in front of his grave
And leave his ghost there.
I will tell him thanks for all the love he gave me
That I am sorry for all the love I pushed away
And I will forgive him for those times
He didn't know how to help me when I fell.
The sound of his voice may fade from my memory.
I may forget the tone of his laughter
Or the way his eyes would twinkle
But I will never forget the way he loved me.
I will see that love in the way my husband looks at our child
The way she smiles at him the way I once smiled at my own.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.