I could say words to you that wouldn't mean anything to you
considering what I already know of you.
I could put on a show for you, strip down to nothing,
and put all my scars on exhibit for your personal viewing.
You would run and give reviews to your callous audience that I would eventually read.
Enticing but lacking!
Joyful yet desperate!
Poetically tragic and beautifully boring!
Your words always carry razors.
I could paint you a master piece.
Every stroke would be a piece of my soul.
Every line would be drawn with my bloody heart.
You would stare, awestruck, but you would never understand its origins.
I could write you a novel.
You could be the hero with the strong Latino shoulders and skilled hands.
You were excellent at pouring meaningless whispers into my ears
but your attitude always trashed the moments.
The dumb girl never could get enough of you
even after you went back to your bachelor world.
You missed my point but you bragged all the while.
Enchanting but painfully obvious!
Tear jerking and lonesome!
Romantically challenged and seductively handicapped!
My words to you
but, I know, there is too much honest there for you.
I sit and write with my sleeping daughter cutting off my circulation on my left side.
She is magnificent whether in slumber or awake.
Her sweet eyes dance and cheeks pink when she giggles.
I always wonder what goes on in that mind of hers.
The doctor told me I was tired, that I should take better care of myself,
but I laughed at his well intentions.
I'm the only one this girl's got.
I allow myself no breaks when it comes to giving this kid the best I got, no excuses.
She won't understand my exhaustion when she needs me.
All she'll see is that I rejected her, that I disappointed her, that I failed her.
I won't accept that any more then she would.
Her pacifier fell out but still she sleeps.
I wonder when she'll leave that behind.
If she held onto it forever, it wouldn't make a difference.
She is and will be this perfect today, tomorrow, forever in my eyes.
Off into the world, we go our separate ways.
We never look back, do not look forward.
You carry your lonely career and dressed up fools.
I embrace my little family and many ideals.
Off we go to our empty beds,
denying whatever attraction we once held for each other.
We refuse to acknowledge what might have been.
There are far too many reasons we would never work
whether it be maturity or circumstance.
Off we ride in our separate cars to our individual lives.
Our homes will always be full of different values.
You assume this and I assume that.
We'll get the other wrong but neither will have want that much to get it right.
I love my independence.
You love yourself.
Off we split.
You go right.
I'll be sure to go left.
Maybe one day we'll forget about our pride
and meet in the middle.
She sat with her cigarette and arrogant smile, claiming she had me figured out.
Honestly I wanted to tell her to keep her uneducated mouth shut.
Mutual friends with the same former lover, my intentions were obvious to her
but I currently cared nothing for the boy.
She made some nasty remark about him.
I wanted to slap her.
I wondered if he knew what she said behind his back but didn't really care that much.
This girl holds no honor.
I questioned why a man as sweet as he could be was with a woman such as her
but it really didn't matter.
I wasn't dumb or jealous.
After further deliberation, I would say no.
He is not as dumb as he looks.
He knows her the only way a man can.
He takes up for her but she will never have a kind word to say about him.
I know she is the reason he looks at me sometimes
but men in general are more of a burden to me then a blessing.
If I am a fool for believing in the good, than so be it.
When I look at my little girl, I can feel confident that I lived right.
I want to teach her that everyone has their own stories, own pain, own joys.
I hope she looks at others with respect for them as people,
that everyone holds their own fountain of happiness, their own cross to carry.
I hope she can see that everyone has a kindness even if one must dig to find it.
I want her to believe we all deserve a second chance,
that love comes in all shapes and sizes even if in some forms it is not obvious.
I want her to know that her own two feet are strong enough to hold up her world.
I want her to see that she never stands alone and that there is so much grace about her.
I want her to realize she is human, that asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness.
She controls her own destiny and I hope she never forgets that.
I want her to cherish her smile, share her spirit, that dances in her eyes.
Give of herself in a way that never harms her.
If I am a fool for believing in dreams so be it.
When I look at my daughter, I know dreams happen every day.
Flash me that smile!
I'll give you another witty comment.
We'll still barely know the other is there.
I'll jump into my car.
You jump into yours.
They'll still never end at the same destination.
You watch me when I'm not looking,
carousing the sway of my hips from one side to the other,
remembering how they once moved for you.
Your thoughts always come my way.
You are no different then any other man with your lude thoughts.
I can't say I mind because I never have.
You've seen that side of me, the only side you've ever seen.
We say we're friends but I don't feel it.
Around others, you keep your distance.
You're afraid that they will find out about our short lived affair
but who really cares in the end?
You sit in your cubicle.
I'll sit in mine.
Our paths will cease to cross.
Sparkle me your shine, sir.
I'll brighten your day.
We'll cancel each other out eventually.
It is not that I am unable to find a man to be with
but it is that only a few men can respect the woman I am.
What they see in me is a little too much strength
because I am not scared of walking this world on my own.
As a young girl, I was programmed to believe I needed a man to take care of me
but I never bought into it.
Now, as a young woman, they tell me it's that I don't appreciate a strong man.
Their definition of strength has always differed then my own.
I want more than a second income, then a father figure, more than a body.
I could come home with a man any time I wanted but I will never settle.
I want a man who will stand beside me without pulling, dictating, questioning.
I want a man who can accept that I prevail on my own,
who will embrace my will that never beds,
who stands beside my individuality.
Love takes more than balancing a check book, more than fancy dinners.
It demands more then merely providing for each other.
It is not that I dislike the thought of sharing my life
but it is the thought of being overrun that keeps me looking.
I thought and thought and thought some more
but my conclusions were lost in blankets before the morn.
Along with the direction I was going and how I detest peanut brittle.
I can't say it makes any more sense now than it did then
but I will say my rigorous thinking brought clarity or so it seemed.
I saw you walk in this morning, read the cold email.
I wanted to go sit on your desk, make you look in your own eyes,
and just let this beast we've grown go
but I kept walking, stirring my coffee.
I vowed once more to be through with the likes of you or so I lied.
I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed some more
but my fantasies muddled together before the sun set
along with the plan I had created, the taste of peanut brittle on my tongue.
It still doesn't seem right any more than we did
but I can say I still believe in goodness or at least the concept it wears.
You smiled at me again as you stirred your coffee.
I wanted to ask what the hell you were smiling at
but I knew it would only be more empty words or so you've already told me.
I dissected and dissected and dissected once more
but the realizations only led me to more over analyzing
the intentions we will not admit, the tricks we're both addicted to pulling.
I can't say I'm right about any of it
but I do know I am far stronger than any woman you've ever met
and thus I conclude.
I was too strong when you found me, too weak when I left.
Standing on that bridge between a girl and a woman, you placed your hand in mine.
We smiled and we laughed and we cried
while blue birds laid out that red carpet along that yellow brick road for us.
You wanted to consume me but I fluttered away, blowing kisses along trees.
Every time you thought you had me there was another dragon to slay for my devotion.
I never understood why you thought you had to kill parts of me to win me over
or why every time you looked at me you dissected me further.
I resisted you, a mighty match I was for you!
Slithering around sugary lines, you would tell me how my skin was like porcelain
and my eyes melted like chocolate into your own
but I never let these lips fall into your deep sleep love.
You pranced around on your white horse, always offering your hand,
but I rode my own stallion.
I saw the anger I would cause when I ran in fields of clover without you,
laughing like a schoolgirl in the early summer air.
Then I found that bridge again where the other side was waiting.
It was the rest of my life, we both knew it was without you.
You offered your hand in one last ditch effort.
I took my last gulp of you, I rode away.
At the end of the day, I have my small family around me,
refueling my dreams to start anew.
She may be little but her smile brings me great joy.
All I need to know is that I am beautiful to at least one.
At the end of the day, she runs into my arms,
telling me she missed me so much as she holds on for dear life.
I have more than I could ever need in her.
I can't say that enough sometimes.
The loneliness comes but she can fill me up with a look.
She is my most difficult feat and my greatest love.
Rays of sunshine she gives me to carry all my life.
I doubt anyone has it any better.
At the end of the day, she is what matters.
Nothing else no matter what, no matter who can take her away from me.
She is who I judge myself against, improve myself for.
I want her to look back and remember the good about us.
At the end of the day, she is the only person I want to be with.
She is the one person who loves me for who I am,
not who I pretend to be otherwise.
At the end of the day, I couldn't ask for anything more.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.