Sometimes I have no words to share.
I have these feelings, these swirling feelings
But I have no way to describe them
Though I know I must get them out of me.
I walked down that aisle last night,
Enraged at my current plot in life,
This song my father sang to me when I was young came on.
I walked down that aisle with beers in hand, felt the tears
Because I knew he was telling me I was all right
Even if all I wanted to do was sit in a corner and cry
Though if you asked I couldn't tell you why.
I like to tell myself that I am a rock, an island.
I am unbreakable, invincible, indestructible
But my stiff hip keeps me in check.
I get mad at the fact that I get angry.
I get annoyed that I hurt, that I get disappointed
And my agitation strikes in unhealthy ways
But you ask me what's wrong?
I'll never really tell you, just brush you off
Because sometimes I don't know why,
Don't know why it hurts or angers or disappoints.
The expectations I have for you, her, him, them
Are the same expectations I have for myself, always too high.
Sometimes I just don't have the words,
The right words to paint a picture.
Sometimes all I have these unexplainable feelings,
These tedious little tornadoes that make me feel chaotic.
I pick up this pen and I try to navigate,
Try to navigate my way through my maze
So I can understand my own madness,
Knowing that I'm not alone in this abyss.
I have images but no words.
I have a picture I want to draw
But my hands quite draw the lines right.
He asked me what I wanted and I laughed.
What do I want in this life?
I just want to find the right words, to draw a lovely picture,
To calm this unknown fire that burns,
The one that I can't explain,
The one that swirls and never quiets,
Understanding that these swirls inspire me to write these words, to draw that picture
But I don't know always how to speak them.
Sometimes I feel so much I shut down,
Knowing it's easier to feel nothing
Then try to explain what I feel staring back at me.
And sometimes I sit down at this table,
Staring at a screen,
Feeling all these feelings I can't describe,
Wanting nothing but to write them out but nothing comes,
Leaving me with a heavy heart, all feeling too overwhelming..
Sometimes I share too much.
I shoot for the sky and miss more than I like
But it never stops me from trying over again
Because I am a true testament
That eventually I will stick.
She looks at me as if I am the enemy
Where she once looked at me like I was her hero
Knowing that I must brush her off
I must ignore the looks, the smart comments
Because one day I will be her hero again
And I know I will never stop aiming for her sky, too
I push myself beyond my means
Because for you I would do anything
For him I would go anywhere
And for her I will never allow my knees to touch the floor.
I want so much more
But I know I may only taste half of that
Because life has jaded me enough
To accept the reality of my part in this life
So I will play this part with honor
Knowing one day my applause will come in.
For you I give you this smile
And for him I offer my open arms
But for her I will give my life
Knowing one day she will understand this love.
I wish I could do nothing but laugh all day
Bounce on those clouds that float above me
Dance along side the wind
That whispers to me when I close my eyes
And sing to the cartoon birds I only imagine landing on my shoulders
But I know the difference
Between what is in my heart and my head
Accepting my struggle is a badge of honor.
Nothing to be ashamed of
Because in that darkness I was given a gift
This gift of flight but not in the way I imagined it to be
I soar every time I stand, every time I breathe.
So for you I offer you these tiny pieces of me
For him I invite in
And for her I keep on shooting towards that sky
Knowing I fail more than I succeed.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.