I turn my cheek and take a long sigh
But I know that's not always how I used to be.
I know the fight to fight just to fight has faded
And yet because I no longer throw fists
I am resented for the kindness I choose to show instead.
I don't know how to explain that the anger,
That anger that once consumed me
Murdered me more and more with each breath
But still you say stand, you say fight
When I know the battle isn't worth the price.
How do I explain how much I lost because of it?
I was tough because I had to be tough.
I was loud because I needed to be heard.
I was closed off because I couldn't afford to let anyone in.
And then life changed, grew, enlightened me,
Realizing I didn't have to be ice cold,
How refreshing it felt to sit with you and smile.
How intoxicating it felt to sigh out of happiness
Not out of frustration at the world around me.
But still the clouds move in.
I can't understand how I am supposed to be.
There have been so many versions of me.
I can say this is the best one yet
But I still get berated.
I choose to hold my tongue
Because why let that beast free
When I've finally learned how to tame her?
Then every now and again I open the gates.
I allow myself to make a stand
And I am told to sit back down,
Making me feel like nothing about me matters much
Because either way I am weak for it.
So many miles I have walked in this skin.
So many troubles I have seen,
So many people I have encountered.
Through all of these things I have learned,
Picked up pieces to put in my broken bucket
To figure out what this all means
And when I looked in that broken bucket?
I realized that it was the kindness in life I chose to keep.
Those were the parts of me that people would remember,
Not the girl who hid in a corner,
Not the girl who screamed so loudly,
Not the girl who wanted to be forgotten.
I realized that being kind was worth the price
I now understand that I am paying.
For all the things I am not, I am grateful for lovely inspirations I have become.
So much in this life doesn't matter.
I've been scared that I've become one of them
But maybe that doesn't matter either.
Maybe turning the other cheek is my strength.
Maybe choosing to stay soft and kind
Takes more courage
Then being the flame that will eventually burn out anyway.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.