Sometimes when I sit with myself in my quiet
I get lost inside holes that I create
Overthinking the days gone
Over-analyzing the things people said,
The things people didn't.
I beat myself up and then I bring myself up
But I never feel like I get it quite right.
Often times when I close my eyes in my dark
I become overwhelmed by the visions that flash.
Trying to hold onto the light
But so often feeling like the dim won't let go.
I talk myself down and I talk myself up
But I never feel like I get anywhere.
Just spinning in this circle.
A lot of times I wish I wasn't so invisible
But in a breath the minute you look
I know I'll shy away back into my shadows
Because I don't know what you see
And I don't know what I trust.
The moment I smell insincerity
I close up, shut down, stuck in my own way.
I feel exposed and incomplete,
Not knowing how to show my glow
Without feeling like it will just be dashed out
My eyes haven't smiled in a long time
And I feel the swell of tears too often
But I don't know how to tell you
Because the minute you look at me,
The minute I think you hear me,
I back down, hide away, spinning on my own.
Sometimes when I sit with myself in my corner
I wish you were sitting with me
And I wish I could say these words,
Say these words as easy as I write them
But we know this is where they'll stay
And I'll go on getting in my own way.
I draw pictures of people without faces
Because I don't want you to feel what I do
Because when I give them faces
I know the world can see my sadness,
That lost look that I try to hide
And nothing is inherently wrong
But my soul feels lost, my spirit feels trampled
My heart feels like it's been shattered for years.
I have the love of a man
I birthed a healthy, beautiful child
I have a few friends
I draw my pictures, write my words
And still can't fill myself up but I try.
I want to wake up one morning and feel enough,
To feel that what I have is enough but it's not
There is a whole universe within me I haven't discovered
But my sun keeps getting blocked out by this life,
This life where we struggle so much to get by
That we absolutely fail at allowing ourselves to grow.
I chase this dream, chasing my tail,
Hoping that one day someone will read this work,
Hoping that one day someone will see a line,
And understand the beautiful chaos my mind is.
I wake up every morning,
Thinking that maybe today is the day
I get pulled out of this mediocrity,
Where I can provide for my family by doing what I love
And not sacrificing me like I've done for so long.
I'm tired of sacrificing, tired of feeling so beat down.
But I will continue to chase
And I will continue to sacrifice
Maybe I will continue to fail
Still the faceless girl won't allow to stop
She will continue
And, for her, I will keep drawing her poetic, tragic lines.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.