I get flustered, feeling like my efforts are for nothing
Then a butterfly lands on my shoulder,
Fluttering it's wings and I smile,
Knowing my someday will come.
Right now I sweat, I bleed, I cry when I feel stuck,
Knowing where I am doesn't fit who I am.
The butterfly flies away, leaving me lonely
But I know it's just teaching me to hold on tighter to my net.
One day I will catch these dreams I chase.
I get sidetracked by the things that mean nothing,
Always tucking the world in before I lay me down
But the butterfly sits with me,
Reminding me they too once were just a caterpillar.
Life takes time to bloom.
I feel the changes in me as I sit in this cocoon.
I understand my pattern is still forming.
Right now I struggle, I fight, I get knocked down
But I will never stop trying to take flight
Because one day the butterfly in me will emerge.
I will get disappointed, rejected, feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
Then a breeze caused by the flap a butterfly wing will blow softly upon my crinkled brow and I will smile,
Knowing that one day I will truly be seen.
One day I wilo break free from this cocoon to fly.
I sit on a sunny afternoon with my book in the quiet of my corner,
Writing these words that pour from this soul,
Never knowing if anyone will ever truly understand them
But still they come, still they fly
Knowing one day I will be the life that blooms,
Knowing one day I will be the butterfly that soars.
Busy morning air but inside there is calm.
I realize in this moment life is fickle
And too often do I get swept up in deep breathing.
I read something that meant nothing really
But I felt myself tense, felt the usual irritation
Of something that will always mean nothing
Because this is the place that I matter
Because there has always just been one place I matter and I accept that now.
I realize the effort isn't always worth the outcome.
I understand the effort sometimes is the only thing that matters
Because sometimes outcomes are just a means to an end.
I wish I could walk away quicker
And hold on for a little bit longer
But I've always been carried away by this heart that is too big for me sometimes.
I want to be this rock, your rock
Just as much as I wish I could fade away at times.
This morning is no different then yesterday.
We all go about our days making our dams
And checking off our lists for reasons
But I wish I could shake off this trepidation
Because none of it will matter one day,
Knowing it will all mean too much at the same time.
I wish I could look at that woman sitting there
And not wonder about the burden she carries
But I will always want to know why you tear
Because as cold as I can be
I cannot help but to care about what makes you hurt.
I want to give you a kind word, a gentle nod
And want you to know that you matter.
I work and I try and I want to do more than get by
But I know sometimes no one can hear me.
I get lost in these feelings that I can't explain,
Hoping that someone will see me
And knowing so many times no one does
But I know where I matter.
I realize how fickle I fall at times,
Putting importance on these things that don't matter,
Knowing I will always care too much,
Understanding the walls I put up just the same.
I put my head down and grind out my days
Because I know the only way to move out of my own way is one step at a time
But I wish you could feel how deep my soul runs
And I wish I could explain why I sigh so heavily.
The air is steady and I know that my hands are, too,
Even if my bones shake, even if my heart pounds.
I want to be the ground you land on
And I understand how harmful that can be
When I never tell you how much that hurts
But I know what matters.
Therr are things about me that get twisted.
I know what I put out, what I keep in,
Understanding how frustrated I make myself,
Knowing you can't read my mind
But I know as I sit here in this morning air
This is where I matter to you, to me
And the things in between always move on like a breeze soft on my cheek,
Accepting the sighs that I will always carry with me.
He looks at me and all I know is the love he gives back to me in those bright blues,
This love that has never filled me up more.
I watch him when he doesn't know,
Feeling all the ends he will go to make us happy
And I find myself lost in our life,
This struggling, wonderful life
Where we don't quite have it figured out
But we know the ends we will go for a smile.
I never imagined someone loving us so.
I couldn't be more grateful, more touched,
And there's nothing I wouldn't give for him,
Wouldn't give for those bright blues to shine.
He pokes fun at my need to take care of the world
And I laugh at his big heart,
Knowing our kindness is our greatest strength
Even when it gets in the way of what is best.
He gets angry when he thinks I don't notice
And he tells me to calm down when I boil
But always we come back to the smiles we both inspire out of the other
Because when I look at him I can't help it.
He tries to hide his fear while mine is written all over my face but I've never been one to hide
And he's always the first one to confront.
I can't chase down my demons like him.
I don't know how to talk words the way he does
And he motivates me to face this life head on
Even when there doesn't seem to be a light ahead.
He loves me and we love her and I love us.
And there's no end we won't meet to make our bright blues and deep browns shine
Because this love will always be the one thing that we will never be without.
I've always been a little too timid, a little too introverted,
preferring to sit on a wall rather be in the center of the dance floor
and yet I've always had this need to be seen
but please don't look too hard for too long
because really I want you to move on quickly and at the same time never forget me.
I want you to know I exist but I don't want you to say my name.
I'd rather be a whisper in your ear than words from your lips.
Celebrate the love we share, spread the joy we bring
but please don't say it is because of me at any point
because really I want you to go forward simply just remembering me.
I've never liked being in front of a crowd, never been my style,
preferring to be back stage directing your wheels in motion.
I will admit though I've always been fascinated by applause
but please don't tell anyone
because honestly I want you to leave me alone without ever letting me go.
I wish I could find a medium, a nice place in the middle
where I can sit comfortably in the background and still be on fire without suffocating myself in my own smoke.
I am a smile on a gloomy day, a sweet hug during a thunderstorm
but please know I wish I could be more for you
and so much less than the brilliance that I don't use
because it would be easier to be satisfied if I didn't know my own potential.
I have been the quiet girl in the corner, that girl laughing on stage,
preferring always to be something in the middle
knowing I've never been happy with average
but please understand I just don't know where I fit really
and I wish I knew better how to smile so I could feel it.
I miss him and a man wearing a Cubs shirt walks in around the corner.
I miss her and a black puppy who looks like her appears at my feet.
I wonder sometimes if this hole that I carry for them will ever be filled, will ever heal as the days go by.
I wish I could sit down with him again and talk about politics.
I wish she was still waiting for me at the door when I get home
but that chair is empty and her sweet face is gone now.
This loss, their loss hangs heavy on my heart and I keep going, wiping the tears that sometimes silently fall
because I have a life to live that doesn't include them anymore.
I miss the way we laughed, the way he would look at me when I thought he wasn't looking, when he thought I didn't know.
I wish I could tell him I now understand he was proud of me.
I miss the way she would lay her head on my lap,
the way her warmth always made me feel safe
and I wish I could rewind time and hold her a little bit longer.
These souls, these two souls that held the purest form of love are gone from my life now and sometimes,
sometimes their absence stabs at my heart more than I can bare
But I have a life to live without them now
and the love that they gave me will always be with me
even if these tears that form continue to fall on this paper.
When the world demands, I stand
because I have a daughter to raise
because I have a family who depends.
The thought of not being a good example
will always plague my choices.
If I walk away when I can do
I know I put myself in question
because I have a daughter who looks to me
because I have to answer to myself at night.
I watch and I observe and I try and I do
too much while the world sleeps beside me.
This idea of not giving my all
will always chase me
because she is becoming a young woman
and I can't allow her to grow up
without understanding why I sacrifice so much.
This concept of skating by, of merely making do
will always terrify me
because I know how my bones shake
at the thought of disappointing
all the things I have worked so hard to accomplish.
I look at you, this proverbial you,
and always want to take care of you
because I want her to learn by example
because I can't accept your frown
when there are a million reasons to smile.
When this world takes too much out of me
I will never back down.
I am incapable of falling apart again
because I look at her
and realize the strength that she gives me,
her constant reminder of the broken pieces
I once was without her.
This world, this battle I will never shy away from
even when my spirit fades
even when my soul grows heavy
and my body can no longer function
because she will always be the spark
that pushes me onward
because I have a daughter to raise
who will one day go on without me.
When the world tramples me, I will stand
because she will follow in my footsteps
and I must always be the light
she needs to find her way
even if sometimes she doesn't know I am shining.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.