I laid in bed and thought of the most poetic words to string together last night.
I imagined how the ink would look against the paper,
The birth of these words that I let drift away
As my eyes faded into sleep.
I awoke this morning, unable to recall them
But I still felt every syllable.
My heart still beat with the periods that I didn't put down
And now I sit in front of this screen,
Hoping those words will find their way back
Knowing they won't.
Instead I will create something new
Crossing my fingers that I find the point
Of all those feelings that taunted me in the night.
She looked at me and I felt myself sink,
Triggered into self doubt that made no sense,
Inspired to do what I try not to anymore
But I knew I would run away.
I knew I would close up, shut you out, say those annoying words,
"I'm fine," knowing that I wasn't.
My hand hit the paper this morning,
Fingers flying across those lines
As all the things I can't tell you poured rapidly out of me
As I sat at my small desk, releasing your demons,
These demons that I pick up along my way
Because I feel every ounce of your darkness
Whether you mean to pass it along to me or not.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm drowning in my own empathy,
In my strange, unwanted need to be your martyr
Because in reality I don't, I can't, I won't
Though if you need me to fall on a sword
I would in a heartbeat,
Knowing I will always say those dumb words,
"Of course," when all I want is to do is sigh
And tell you to fight your own battles.
He came home, frustrated and angry,
Wishing again I could absorb all of his angst,
Knowing he wouldn't let me,
Feeling my heart sink because we can do better
Than where we are right now
And I know we will eventually.
I feel myself fall down, knowing I will pick myself up
Because I always do
Saying to myself the words I always whisper
When I think no one is listening,
"I am a rock," believing every time
That no matter what this life is mine to make
And in this life, my evolution is ongoing.
I sit and observe, watching their moves.
She sits, twirling her finger around her hair
And I notice her strap has fallen,
The way the gentleman sits behind her,
The way he stares at the bareness of her shoulder.
Sometimes there is a cattiness that swirls around my head
And I feel slightly guilty for wickedness
That sighs underneath my breath.
She is oblivious to his thoughts
Though the volume in his silence screams
At me from across the room
But I sit, watching how this silent film plays out
Because, for the moment, he is just a stare.
So many stares, looks, unspoken words fill the air.
I find myself the keeper of these observations,
Safely tucked into the back of my mind
And analyzed for further dissection
When I sit down to spill them all out here.
I want to fix her strap, to shoo him away
But I sit, always watching the room.
He smiles at me, looking up,
And I smile back,
Both retreating back into our own corners
While the girl with her bare shoulder is oblivious.
When I think back to all those times
When my mind said so much
While my lips spoke nothing
I realize my heart wins far more often than my head
Because I would rather be kind than to behave harshly.
Sometimes I question it is that more for me than you,
Knowing it doesn't matter much.
I bare my shoulders in other ways.
I know how tender my skin can be
And I know the stares ready to devour it just the same
But notes I take, building a wall of words
To keep it all out, the wickedness of these sighs.
I retreat back into headphones and observations,
Watching the silence that falls around me
And cataloging it for another day.
Sometimes there is humor in our tiny tragedies,
A sweet comfort in our moments in between
When we think no one is looking.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.