I break my own heart over and over again
But I’m never surprised.
Sometimes I feel like I enjoy the jagged edges,
the pieces of my heart like Lego shrapnel
That I just continuously walk on
Just to remind myself I am alive.
Sometimes you don’t get it,
The sadness that I bathe in when no one is looking
But I’m not trying to explain myself anymore.
What does it matter to you if I’m a little low?
I’ll still give you that smile
Because even though I’m drenched in this dark
Please understand I’m still just as bright.
I just can’t wear it all of the time
And it takes more out of me to share my joy
Then to show my scars.
You can’t harm what is already hurt
But this happy I have?
It’s fleeting and I know it too well
If I share it with you, it’s no longer mine.
It’s a dress we can all wear.
Sometimes my triumphs have to be mine alone.
Maybe it’s the fear that if I show you,
If I show you how bright I really shine,
It will be doused immediately
And will fade into just something that happened once.
I break myself so often but I know why.
It doesn’t really matter if you understand.
I guess I’m tired of denying certain parts of me.
For every break I feel, I heal differently.
And for every new heal,
I find room for more discovery.
I keep pieces of me laying around my head
To keep as patchwork when I need them
Because when I put them back together?
When I put me back together
What a beautiful creation I will be.
I look at you and I can't decide
If I want to swallow you whole
Or run away like a flash before you see me
Because the idea of you, this thought of me
Doesn't make sense together.
So many rainbows have flickered across my sky
After the summer afternoon storms that pass
That I find it hard to accept the inbetweens.
I want the world to make sense
But I get small joys in the eye of my chaos.
I understand your frown, love your frown
And know there is still joy behind it
Even if you can't see it.
I go up and down,
To the depths of my deep
And the highs of my clouds
That there are times I don't know how to land
But I can't seem to be any other way.
Too many years I've tried to stay in the middle,
Hide that sadness that is me
Cover the anger that festers
Be that smile that you want me to be
But I'm tired and fed up and over it.
It is too much work to try to make me fit,
To make me fit into you or you or you,
Knowing once upon a time I knew I never would.
Somehow I forgot
And thought your opinion of me
Mattered more than mine.
This roller coaster that is me used to frighten
But I understand more and more every day
That the drop in my stomach,
That the fear that buzzes in my ears,
That the butterflies that dance in my belly
Are what inspire what truly lives inside of me.
These uneven frequencies that I can't seem to rope
Sometimes are hard to define
But I look at you and love the way you look at me
And I will never know what to do with that
Except smile awkwardly
And dance in the strange way that makes you laugh.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.