Foiled by love once more, so close I was almost able to taste it.
What do I expect when I choose the unattainable?
I was tricked into believing I would no longer be alone?
Who pulled what on who?
Honesty we spoke, knowing the strings that were attached
but willingly I puppet-ed my heart to him.
What do I expect out of a decent man that already had obligations?
I wanted him regardless of the damage he would cause.
Anger, a word I know too well.
Love, a foe I can never conquer.
Wall surround me, foreign yet familiar.
I walk this city I both love and loathe.
I was granted wings but without the means to fly.
I rise in the morning, tripping on myself.
I wonder when it is that I will catch that rainbow.
Stars shine for me, enticing wishes and inspiring exotic dreams.
Asleep, my spirits whisper in my ear.
Put me in a car and I'll find any spot you wish,
except for a way out of this place.
I have tasted every roast of coffee here
but I can't tell you my origins.
I walk through my routines like a zombie
but I laugh easily with my little girl I love so dearly.
Moon glow bright for me tonight.
I need a little inspiration today.
A strange journey I have walked,
misunderstood and misjudged,
I have conquered.
A smile sits on my face.
A laugh rolls off my chest.
Moments have touched my heart.
The older I become,
the more I remember,
the less I forget.
Come and go but never are they gone.
I can burn the photographs
but embers do not destroy
what is etched in my soul.
A barrage of challenges,
misconstrued and mislabeled,
I have become what I never thought I could.
A twinkle in my eye,
a glow upon my skin,
all the life I embraced,
lovely wrinkles on my face.
Would it be a lie to say I don't imagine driving to that restaurant every night?
It makes no difference.
I will stay in my car, drive right past it.
I set you free last weekend, put you in a bottle with a poem and threw you out to sea.
You wearing a tuxedo, curls pulled back from your face.
I stood next to you in my awkward way, arms crossed.
That picture always made me laugh, both oddly out of place, at the beginning of our story.
The salty sea carries us now, dreams that we'll never make true.
Maybe you will find your way back to my door step one day.
If you do, my door will always be open.
Old ties reunited but the old fear is gone.
Memories of who I used to be no longer send me running for cover.
Now I am who I once was, proud of who I grew to be.
She told me it was good to hear from me.
I lost the old paranoia that she was just saying that.
There were no assumptions that she was casting judgments.
After I let go of the past, I was able to remember without jaded pain it once represented.
Yesterday no longer controls my tomorrow.
Perky breasts and toned thighs, I can be proud of everything about me, not scared of it.
I am free to bathe in life once more, memories and dreams alike.
I sent them out to sea,
Two men I loved as a young girl.
I watched the waves grab hold of the glass,
Take it off to an unknown land across the Atlantic.
It was to let them go, say goodbye to who we all once were.
I don't know if I was sad or relieved.
All I knew was I finally freed myself from the pain they caused.
Memories rushed back of the three of us together,
Our summer nights in vacant parking lots
And school days under fluorescent Catholic lights,
Al Greene in the front seat of his Corolla
And Bloodhound Gang in the back of his Camry.
I don't know if I will ever truly forget them
Of if I really want them to fade completely from my heart.
I do know their hold on me is now in the ocean, within that bottle.
I smiled to myself.
Looking down the beach, I saw me as that girl that used to laugh with them.
I saw that broken girl that sat with her knees to her chest, crying because of them.
Standing tall on the rocks, I stood, between them both, my hair flowing behind me.
We were all finally free of them.
I step back into first impressions, doomed one night stands,
Shopping for my one true love in building after building of meat markets and sweat shops.
Judging eyes trace my body as I scan the crowds for a worthy adversary.
Am I any different than that slime over there? That dolled up Barbie over here?
I know what a flick of a man's brow means,
The way the touch of his forearm becomes my invitation.
I know well the man sleeping under the stars with me will not be there when the sun rises.
Strange sensations run across my skin.
I remember as if I never stopped playing this game.
A whole city lays below me,
Unknown land and a decision looms.
Does it not come because of fear?
Or because I already know the answer?
Perpetually devastatingly beauty is all around me.
Still, I am not inspired by these surroundings.
The two kids argue outside.
I ask for a sign but nothing.
I keep the faith but nothing.
Maybe I should just leave.
It is the simple things in life that make me smile.
I stood in the kitchen last night,
Preparing the gourmet frozen pizza and singing Garth Brooks,
When in walked my little girl standing so sweetly, covered in peanut butter.
I thanked the powers that be right then and there for not listening to my countless prayers.
If he had, this sticky little angel would have never been a twinkle in my eye.
These moments I cherish, the ones where nothing spectacular happens.
One day she will grow into a fine woman, eating her peanut butter with a spoon.
I will stand in her kitchen, remembering my sweet little daughter,
Smiling at the wonderful woman who exchanged dolls for a family of her own.
Do not believe I am desperate for a man.
I am fine without.
While I envision a knight in shining armor,
I am fine without.
If he does not love me, the white horse is just a horse.
What men see is a woman alone.
What happens once they rescue me?
Fantasy wears thin.
We become two ordinary people.
I am fine without.
I am fine being a woman on my own.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.