I deleted him the other day
And today what was once his is now mine.
The last thing that was his is now mine,
Understanding that holding on was holding me back,
Stopping me from pushing myself forward
Because I put too much on what ifs of him still sitting here,
Knowing that my heart will never heal that way.
I get lost in the memories,
In the lost conversations that echo through my head,
Confused by who it is I am trying to live up to
Because I know he no longer lives among the same air.
I remember the way he would look at me
And find myself longing too much for even that look of disappointment again that he once gave me
But I deleted him the other day
And today I own the last thing that was once his
But I knew this day had to come.
Words go through my head, this one line that repeats,
I no longer have a father... I no longer have a father...
And however destitute that may sound
Those words are true because I don't.
I don't have a father who I can call.
His face will never flash across my screen again.
His embrace I will never feel like I once did again
And by deleting him, by finally taking ownership
I understand that letting go of him,
Of closing my eyes and letting go of him as a reality
Is the only way I can remember him
Remember without breaking my heart.
I read the last thing I ever wrote to him.
I recalled the last thing I ever said to him.
I felt the last look I gave to him
And I gave them all wings to fly
Because holding onto him was holding us both back,
Holding onto this idea of the father I had was a selfish dream
Because his peace would never be found with the strings my grief gave him
And I know that holding on stopped the steps he always wanted me to take.
He gave me these feet I stand on, helped me grow in his life
And in his death he gave me the courage to fly.
I deleted him the other day,
Accepting, finally accepting, that I am what he left behind
And accepting that it's time to move on without him
Because just as he once had to let me go
I now, too, must let him go
So I can remember him in the way he would want,
Not sick or heartbroken or lonely.
I can remember his laughter and his smile and his love.
I can remember his life.
I can let go of his death.
The leaves fall and I fall back into the moments of my life and I close my eyes, cherishing them all.
They swirl like a tornado around me at times
And I know they all had a purpose, each one.
I cannot always control the shakes but I can let go.
I can let go like the trees from which they fall.
He takes my hand in the afternoon
And I know his warmth will always bring me home.
Each leaf that lands is the death of a part of me,
Something about me that can rest now,
The parts of me that can finally settle,
And my heart can heal now, can find peace now.
I watch the colors change, feel once was a battle stop the fight, the red doesn't need to flow anymore
Because in this beautiful afternoon before Fall comes
I let these leaves go with an open soul.
Whoever I may be right now will bloom tomorrow
But for now I shed these things that have started to die, have started to fall away.
The air will start to get chilly and his arms he will offer
And I will always fall into him like a leaf in the wind.
He will keep me steady and I will keep him safe.
I can find solace in the things that I have lost.
We all have our seasons, our birth and our death.
That leaf lying at my feet I pick up.
I think of my father, of another season I have gone without him but I can smile now.
I can close my eyes and remember him clearly
Without the suffocating sadness he once brought.
He had his birth and he found his death
And somewhere in these leaves I have let go.
I fall back into these moments of my life,
Swirling around me like the tornado I once was
And I can settle into this skin,
Letting the needless parts of me die,
Letting the lovely parts of me come to life.
He smiles and we've made it through another lifetime together, laughing like children jumping into our fortress of leaves,
Celebrating these moments that have fallen,
Mourning what we cannot bring back,
Loving all the us there is to come.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.