He jokes and says I bet all the boys love you
But I just laugh because it never made any sense
I am an idea, a thought,
Something that might feel good on
And I do but the reality of me is fleeting.
It used to bother me,
The way people would stare, what they were thinking.
I'm the girl with the tats, the good time.
It's just that was only me for a moment of my life
And then I faded, faded far away
Yet this idea stuck and I fooled myself for awhile.
The thing is he's the only one that sees me
For more than a fleeting thought.
He shakes his head at me when I get mad at my pants,
The way I say they don't fit, throwing them away
Because they do fit and that's the problem.
When cloth sits so close to my skin,
I feel like that thread is mocking me
And I know it's just my body dis morphia
But he doesn't sit in it like I do, soak in it like I have to.
I wish I could explain what I see, how this skin feels.
I don't care what you think of me
But mostly I care what I think of me.
I love when he says his affirming words.
It's just I can't explain how they scare me, too.
He reminds me of parts of myself that I forget
Because they were easier to move away from,
To put to the side, to let dust cover up over time.
I loved the way it felt to hide
But I guess I never realized how much I missed.
There's parts of me that dance, that shine
And I only give those parts to him.
I feel like I'm still making the world prove itself to me.
I'm still making it make up for every shitty past
Though I know I have let so much go.
Still, I have so much work to do
And I guess I still get caught up in my fear.
He laughs and we lay in bed, just the two of us,
And there is no place I'd rather be
Because he is safe, he is kind, he is mine.
Still, I always feel hesitant to be in the moment.
I know it can all be gone so quickly,
That this could be just a thought,
That I could be just another fleeting thought.
He will wake up one morning,
Realizing that the reality of me has worn out
But then he smiles and I breathe
And all of these anxiety filled doubts fly away.
I realize that this is the beauty that he taught me,
This vulnerability that I would have never had the courage to feel before.
The thing is it isn't that he sees me.
It's that he showed me how to see myself
As flawed, as incomplete, as lovely as I am.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.