Foils and fumbles and we all fall down,
Always with the intention of getting back up
Because that's what we do.
We pile up our life like leaves in fall
Jumping in them, tossing them in the air
But life's leaves get heavier as we grow
And fall in our laps like bricks, heavy on our souls
With the intentions of chipping away at this life
One heavy leaf at a time, brick by brick.
I remember that euphoric feeling
Caring less about the bugs that crawled
Knowing I could always shake them off
But the older I get, the more they seem to stick
And I fall down when I try to get back up
With the intention to never give up.
I just never knew the leaves would start to prick.
I never realized how often my leaves would shatter,
How quickly they would blow away
Or hard it would be to keep the orange from fading.
I kick at these bricks that pile and break my toes,
Growing angry at this pile of leaves
That once I jumped in with joy, with joy
And I fall back when I realize how quickly it all deteriorates
But that is life, heavy with burden.
I fail when I need to rise.
I conquer when I thought I would break
And these leaves that pile just grow heavier
With these intentions to hold on to that joy
I once squealed with as a child
Not caring that this pile would blow away one day.
I never understood how much of me would blow away too
But that is life, constant with change
And heavy with loss.
I fall in these foils and I rejoice in this breeze
With my intentions in these leaves that fly by.
I have carried this heavy heart through my life.
Felt it bleed for those who did not deserve it.
Watched it shatter over wrongs I could not control.
I have caught it's tears on kitchen floors
And felt defeated every time I was unable to protect it.
When I feel, I feel every corner of this life
Even the sharp edges I ran from
Because emotions come like hurricanes.
Sometimes I do not know how to clear the debris.
I have boarded up my walls in an effort to hide,
In order to hide from kind intentions, harsh judgements just the same
Because when I feel, this heart feels it all.
He looks at me like no one else and I feel it.
I feel his love like I have never felt love before
And this heavy heart that carries the world in its veins
Swells with emotions I cannot explain.
I hold on tight, tucking it safely within,
As we struggle to find our feet together
Through these dark waters we swim in,
Against these winds that push us back,
Knowing this heart of mine is in safe hands this time.
He stood on the porch, apologizing for feeling down
But no apologies were needed.
I have felt drowning before, suffocated by worry,
With a heavy heart to carry.
I again find myself where I always land.
Wind against my cheeks on an October day
With too many worries, cracks forming on this heart
Sitting at a coffee shop alone with these words
But I feel these beats of my heavy heart
And accept whatever heartbreak may come next,
Understanding my patch worked spirit will rise again.
He smiles at though I know what lies behind.
I tell him we will be all right, holding his heart right next to mine,
Ready to sacrifice my own to take the wieght off his
Because mine is used to the heavy load
Because mine knows how to break.
Mine knows how to put itself back together.
I feel too much in this world,
Feel too much of me, you, him.
And I just want to run away from feeling at all
But this tender heart keeps me put.
I have fallen apart on bathroom floors,
Fallen to my knees on the side of the road.
Felt my heart break in so many different ways
Because this life of mine has been cruel.
Then he laughs and I remember
And I find myself sitting in a corner with a smile,
Remembering that despite the heavy heart life has given me, I still stand tall.
Within these tears that have fallen from swollen eyes,
My heart only grew stronger,
Making room for the only emotion that matters.
A lifetime of love, my life full of love,
Broken and lost, found and held,
Bursting from the seams of this heavy heart.
He got down on his knees, there in the dirt all for me,
And I couldn't help but to think how lucky that dirt was
Because he was knee deep in it.
He stood up with grease on his hands, a smile on his brow,
Saying to him, "My hero!"
Knowing it was about more than a flat tire.
I handed him the keys and laughed at this life we landed
Because I am tired of crying over spilled milk.
We struggle and we fail and we have both been too sad
Over all the things that we cannot control
And in a way we've both been covered in dirt for too long,
Knee deep in this life that won't cut us a break
But he's my hero in more ways than one.
He looked over at me with a twinkle in his blue eyes
In a way I didn't see at first, wouldn't see at first.
There's been too much of my life I've been disappointed in,
Too much of myself I've been terrified to let out
But this man who laid in the dirt for me coaxed me out somehow, pulled me out of the mud.
We go through this life together, one flat tire after another,
Knowing that the other one would walk anywhere,
Accepting that this life may not always be pristine.
I watched him drive that car this afternoon.
I was filled with my usual anxiety
And understood how much more strength I have
Because this man believes in all the courage I hide,
This man calms all the fears that suffocate.
He smiled at me while we were standing in line,
Waiting for the next ball to drop
Silently telling me that we were all right,
That things were tight but we'd figure it out.
We are knee deep in this life together,
For better and for worse, flat tires and all.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.