I go back and forth between these moments,
These precious, beautiful moments
Of absolute clarity, of perfectly placed chaos.
I can look in that mirror and see,
See every touch that caressed my face
Both gentle and harsh, both sweet and unkind.
Feel every word slapped across these rosy cheeks,
These rosy and aging cheeks
But I don't get so light headed by them any more.
Perhaps time has given me a gift,
A sweet resilience that has left me partially numb.
No longer terrified of the tears,
These lovely, lonely, life dripping tears.
I get up in the morning like I do every day,
These bright, intoxicating mornings
That sometimes fill me with doom, gloom,
Still somehow terrified of my own shadow
When it waves back at me from the wall.
I get lost in the abyss through out my day,
Getting swept away in thoughts that don't matter,
These morbid, unyielding of all my worst case scenarios,
Finding some kind comfort in my darkness,
Knowing my sun somehow always manages to come out.
I smile and and laugh, winking at the man who complimented my hair.
I fill up my bubble and save it for later
When I get caught in my own spider web
Of doubt, my seductive self doubt.
I close my eyes and imagine a cloud,
A calm, peaceful cloud that I doze off on,
Hiding in my runaway imagination,
These wings that don't exist but I feel too often.
I lock myself away and I see her in that mirror
With all the twitches I'd rather not mention
And I smile every time we meet,
That innocent, untouched version of me
Who I keep safe, who keeps me sane.
I can take the bitterness of the world
But there has always been a part of me that cannot.
And I get lost in these moments,
These versions of myself that I haven't quite figured out,
These brilliant pieces of every me I've ever been
That sometimes can't remember how to fit back together.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.