I admit there are times I prefer the world to be fuzzy.
Not to stay blind to what goes on around me
But to remain safely inside my own cocoon.
I prefer to frolic in my own nonsense
Because my chaos always makes sense
Even when it doesn't, even when it shouldn't.
I helped a woman clean up her spilled coffee this morning,
Slipping on her shoes for a moment
Realizing I feel like that liquid far too often
But I try every day to make myself a little bit better
Even when it costs me too much, even when it hurts a little
Because I know that I judge myself far more harshly.
There are times I don't want to look outside myself,
To sit with you and understand your plight.
I prefer to stay in my own corner.
I prefer to hide behind words, within metaphors,
Among the impossibles and the maybes
Because here everything I am is possible
And not just a theory I've imagined
That depends on too many things that fall apart too easily,
That always fall off balance when I blink.
I know that this is a fickle life I lead.
The hurdles jumped just inspire mountains to climb.
Every day I rise, knowing how real this struggle is
And accepting that these are the shoes I wear,
Finding solace that I am not alone,
Finding peace that each step makes this spirit stronger
Because there was a time when it was a shy spark.
I own my sins when I fall to sleep, celebrate my failures,
And know that tomorrow I will again try to do better
Even when tears fall, even when my heart aches.
I prefer to find a warm spot in this fuzzy life,
A comfortable nook that I can observe the world
Rather than constantly being a part of it
Because I have moments
When my surroundings are too much
And I would prefer to be a silent part of this play
But not because I fear, because I do not.
A smile is what I offer even if I don't see yours.
A hand is what I can give
Even if I never accept yours in return, even if I see it
Because I prefer to be in the background
Not just of your landscape
But of mine as well.
He asked me for a dance but I shook my head
And hoped he would forget I existed
Not because I was afraid to be seen
But because I was terrified he'd see too much.
I sit down with my trusty pen, peeking out of my corner,
Knowing full well how my soul splatters,
Knowing my heart is an open window right now
But I will never accept your hand
Only because the proverbial you always comes too close.
I want you to know my name without recognizing my face,
Just a hum in the back of your mind,
A song you sing but don't really know.
He smiled at me and offered me his questions
And I threw him some lines so he would go
Not because I didn't enjoy his company
But because I knew I had him hooked.
I laugh at the amount of effort I put into hesitating.
I know there is no need to be shy,
No need to play possum when my bullshit is already out there for the world to see.
I can't be ashamed of what I willingly offer
But his dance I would not accept, his smile I would not return
And I hoped he understood I was not being cruel all those times away I walked.
I was hoping he would forget I existed,
Hoping the only part of me that lived on with him wasn't my face
But my words that I wrapped around him like a blanket
When he wasn't looking.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.