When my eyes open in the morning
At times I lack the courage to go beyond that
I think about all these things to do
The daily struggle of it all
Wondering even if I conquer this
What point will there be to anything else?
This beast of the looming depression that sit
Mocks me in a way I don't let on
Because what is the point?
This demon isn't for you to entertain
But for me to tolerate,
Until the day I beat it once and for all.
It's not really that simple.
We all know it's this part we all carry.
Some better than others.
Thankfully my DNA carries the stubborn string.
Something as trivial as self doubt never prevails
Even if it does win a battle now and again
My sunny disposition brightens my day.
This sarcastic, slightly morbid humor keeps me going.
And I can take solace in my quiet wickedness
Especially when I'm only one to get the joke.
I drive down the road
Back and forth
To make my ends meet
And sometimes I feel the urge to cut them completely
Knowing that I've never lived impulsively.
Because I will always think of you first
Even when I shouldn't
But I will
I admit it.
I get the tone of these words
Inspiring some sort of concern.
This beast is mine and mine alone
Sometimes I just have air her out.
When my eyes close tonight
Back this demon will go.
And I shall keep on
Because I understand
This life is nothing but a struggle,
One after another.
And there is a part of me that thrives because of it.
I admit it.
How do I explain the shrieks that happens inside?
But when you look at me?
When you look at me I give you nods.
It's not because I don't want you to hear
But because I know you will not.
These burdens we carry sometimes are just our own
And they are not for me to give to you.
I try to shush them away for you
Because I know silence is easier to hear
But please understand it is chaos where I thrive.
I wish I could tell you that I do not like it,
That I wish I could walk away from it, let it go,
Knowing that I will never abandon it
Because there is a part of me that is lovely because of it, too.
Somewhere inside the madness that I carry,
I understand the peacefulness that it gives me.
It's like a puzzle I have to put together.
The pieces don't always make sense
But once together I get what it makes.
Though the sensation of the breathlessness that it leaves Sometimes terrifies me.
It is in those moments that I feel most alive.
And I do not know how to explain it to you
Because really I don't want to give that to you.
Then it's not just mine anymore
But a problem that you have to fix.
I'm not broken anymore,
Just slightly off kilter now
This make shift person that I have found solace in.
My hands scream sometimes
But it doesn't always deafen me
And it hasn't been what defines me for a long time.
When you look at me?
What I give you is love, just love
Because that's what these pieces have formed.
That's what these shrieks create
And to me it's the part of the puzzle that inspires.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.