I can't tell you in words what I can say with this hand but if I could I would tell you this.
I can tell you that aftet 36 years my bones creak.
I can tell you that after all is said and done,
after the sadness passes and the joy shines bright I am still just trying to figure it all out.
My temper flares but not out of anger.
The fire sparks when the world disappoints.
These highs and lows confuse
but steady I try to remain.
I drink my beer after a long day,
reflecting on my wrongs, the things I could have done better but I make no apologies, not anymore.
If I could just tell you how I feel,
I would tell you that my standards are too high.
I would tell you that I expect the best
and when it's not there my rage overflows
but it's not out of anger.
It's never out of anger, not anymore.
I will give you my last of anything if you need it
and won't apologize for it, not anymore.
If I could just say the words rather than write them I would tell you how much I love you,
how much it kills me to love you
and I don't feel ashamed, not anymore.
So I drink my beer at the end of this long day,
holding myself accountable
and I realize whatever the choice was I made,
it was the best I could do in that moment
and I won't apologize for expecting more.
I got older and I sit with my thoughts, reflecting on all the things gone.
Where once I wrote these words on paper
and now on my trusty phone in my corner.
I sat in that theater last night and
all I could think about was how he would smile at that screen.
Visions of Star Trek and sipping beer flooded my eyes, how gross it tasted
and how I giggled at his face laughing at mine.
I am older now and if he was still here
we would be sitting beside each other,
having a tequila shot or two
and we would laugh at the other's face,
wincing at that alcohol sliding down our throats.
I didn't cry at the movie but I cried just the same
because he would have loved that screen.
And I'm fine to go on getting older,
fine to get older without him
but little memories catch my breath
and I can't help but to miss him in those moments.
I am fine to go on, to work, to take care of my family but I lose my balance in those moments,
in these little memories of him and I.
I will continue to get older without him,
continue to move on without him
because that is what I must do
but sometimes when I feel him sitting beside me on a random afternoon
I can't help but to wish I wasn't just imagining him.
I will grow quiet, unable to speak
because I don't know how to tell you
that I'm lost in a memory in that moment,
can't tell you how the sadness overwhelms
because I am my father's daughter,
the inherited stubborn pride of this man.
I will smile, make a joke
because the moments pass,
these little memories that keep him close.
I will continue to grow older without him,
continue to hope that I made him proud
even though I know he always was.
Joni Mitchell sings over Christmas music as I sit in this random corner of my world.
The day has been long but on my feet I remain.
She told to watch my health but though my feet hurt and my back aches this is the healthiest I have been for years.
I don't carry around the infections I once did and on my feet I will remain.
I got a case of the gingerbread man and I guess I will keep going regardless if my heart explodes.
Every now and then I need these corners to reasses, to reflect, to replenish
because there will always be a world on my shoulders, always a life to love.
She told me she was proud of the woman I have become, the way I carry myself now
and in a way it was because of her.
My mind gets muddled, tired, frustrated
but this is the happiest I have ever been.
I have a picture of him that I carry with me now,
this father of mine that is gone now
but it's the closest I've felt to him since I was little.
He is smiling and I am giggling and it's the way I must remember him, the way I always loved him.
Joni Mitchell plays on top of Christmas music
and all I can really think about is right now.
She told me that I remind her so much of him,
that she can see the best of him in me,
and it's the saddest feeling I've had in a long time.
He looked at me and I looked back,
the world spun around as it usually does
and I got lost in the spirals.
I thought of being young and loose,
letting the world do what it would like
as I just went with the flow.
Such an easy existence
but somewhere in a whirl I landed,
looking at this man smiling at me.
He is real and I am real now
and we have built this funny little life together.
My head still feels like a tornado at times
like it did when I was young and loose
when I would jump on a tidal wave just for kicks
but he is the hand that remains steady.
So much of me still fidgets,
so many parts still spin with a breeze
but my pieces have been together for awhile.
He looked at me and I smiled back,
the world disappeared like it usually does
but he always finds a way to pull me out of my spirals.
There are days when I become too attached to the routines, the must dos, the deadlines
And forget to see the moment in front of me.
That must be cleaned and this must be folded
but what happens really if I just stop for a moment?
A mother's plight, a wife's duty but beyond these titles I must never forget I exist, too.
The love for them pushes me on and I regret not the choice to always put them first
but beyond them I exist.
There are days I don't nurture the creativity inside because my practical nature makes more sense.
I sit and watch her grow, knowing off she'll go.
I lay and watch him sleep, comforted that he will always be here, getting lost in them both.
Dreams are what they are.
Dreams that came true but beyond them I am becoming a real boy, too,
because beyond them I finally exist.
So I write these words and I love them deeply
And I realize these dreams beyond them
are just as much for them as they are for me,
this family, my family exist beyond me.
Love, once a far off dream, a thing for someone else and then came her, then came you.
Suddenly love was something tangible and I was in the deep end, this beautiful deep end.
The parts of me that had grown stale came back to life because of her, because of you.
I get lost in a glance, lost in your thought,
lose my breath in our tiny moments.
When she looks, I crumble.
When she needs, I stand my tallest.
I once thought I would only know sadness,
this loneliness of never being fulfilled,
of always being restless then there was her,
then there was you.
I grow steady at a touch, find my center when all I think I can do is wobble.
Love, this thing that eluded me, that I pushed away has now surrounded me and I surrender.
When he laughs, I glow.
When he whispers, I swoon.
And all this time there was always her, there was always you.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.