I thought for a moment that the burn of life no longer charred, no longer sent me on a tailspin
But I was wrong
Because I still find myself spinning
When I should be still.
I watched her the other day put on her shoes
And I realized that sixteen years somehow flew too fast
But I thought I had been paying attention.
I remember so much and yet nothing at all
Though these lessons are piled on my desk,
Papers overflowing on top of each other,
Falling to the ground like feathers one after the other.
Words, so many words, I have written throughout my life,
Bringing me back to moments my mind files away
While my heart still feels the burn of every one of them.
I thought for a moment that I was beyond certain things,
Laughing at myself when I realize I still get so bent,
So bent out of shape when something rubs me wrong
Because I still find myself growling
When I should remain silent
But I realized in the same breath how often I don't roar
When I should just let it out, just let it go.
I looked in the mirror this morning and I found bags,
Bags underneath these dark eyes
And I asked myself I wonder how long I've been carrying these around.
How did I not notice the creak my knee now makes?
Or the way my hand rests on my lower back so often?
In a tub at my feet my journals are all piled,
Marking every fantastic moment of my life
And chronicling each and every heartbreak that I have felt.
Words that will long outlive this tired body of mine.
Words that will carry my spirit onto others who will have never known my face
And I realized that the legacy I started,
This legacy that I started as a lonely little girl,
These words are what will keep my life mean something
Even if I never feel the glory of what I know they can do.
I foolishly thought that the older I became,
The more I would understand
And these words that I write would bring clarity
But I realize with each word I write how fickle time is
Because moments fly on wings we can't see
And we age right before eyes never noticing,
Becoming stardust, that beautiful bright stardust,
Fleeting and shining brighter with age.
I think that my life flashed by with nothing to show for it
But I was wrong.
I still love to spin when I should be still
And I still can't help but to roar when I should be quiet.
I woke up next to him this morning and I smiled,
Realizing he is the only home I've ever known
And I was right
Because he still inspires butterflies.
Words I have given him and acceptance he gave me.
I thought for a moment that life had dulled me,
No longer motivated like I once was
But I know now that I am more on fire than I ever was
Because these words that fall are still coming
And these moments that I grow without notice
Are still piling, falling like feathers all around me.
She sat by the window in all her glory.
She was bright and brilliant, electric and inviting
While I sat in the corner, hiding from my own shadow,
Hoping that I would fade but she would go on
Because she was never meant to flee
But she did and I stayed and then we were both gone.
Her sun fell away, it no longer traced the shape of her cheek, the way her dimples caved in
And my corner became crowded with too many demons,
The constant reminders of all that I was not.
Life twisted and turned, stabbed and reeled
While I lost so much of my spirit along the way
Because I was too hurt to hold on
But she ran away and I stayed behind
And then it wasn't her and me anymore.
It was just me, this girl in the corner that just wanted to fade away, just wanted to sit in the obscurity of these words
Yet I know that I must sit at that window seat now,
Letting that sun caress my cheek, outline these dimples
Because I told her to fly away.
I wasn't going to fade though the shine of her
Still burns me somewhere deep inside.
She still relishes in her glory just out of sight
Because I realized long ago I could no longer be her,
The red haired girl who dared the sun to burn her skin
But when the world turned dark and cold,
She was the one who broke and I dug my heels in
And I told her to fly away, I would stay.
I would not fade.
I would not fade.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.