If I was braver, I would stand up and scream.
If I had just a bit more courage,
I would demand to be heard
But it's never been a matter of strength.
My cup is full.
It is my empathy that holds this tongue,
This idea that I would do more harm
If this tongue was allowed to lash.
It doesn't matter really,
Any of it, none of it, all of it.
We're all seasons, the rage and the joy.
We change to only become what we were
And then to fade away until the next year.
I get angry, frustrated.
I want to throw my coffee cup across the room
Like the casserole dishes I saw fly when I was a kid
But I don't.
Maybe if I was braver I would.
I would allow my anger to surface.
I would tell you that this life bothers me.
Maybe if I had just a wee bit more courage
I would not tolerate what I do
But really it's not a matter of either.
My heart is so big.
Sometimes it's hard to carry
And I'd like to throw it in a lake.
Tie it to a rock and watch it disappear
It's so big sometimes it hurts.
There are days when it is too much.
Still, I hold it quietly,
Knowing it's value to me, to you.
I should tell you when I'm hurt
And not fear the apology I will make
But I won't
Because it's a circle, laps really.
I just don't have the ability to tolerate it much.
You know if I had just spoke the words
I wouldn't feel like my insides
Were on the brink of constantly imploding
But I understand the importance of kindness
And I understand that hurting you or him or her
Is not worth my pride, nothing ever is really.
So I will be brave in my own way.
I will find courage in the only way I know how.
None of it, all of it, maybe just a little of it matters anyway.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.