He jokes and says I bet all the boys love you
But I just laugh because it never made any sense
I am an idea, a thought,
Something that might feel good on
And I do but the reality of me is fleeting.
It used to bother me,
The way people would stare, what they were thinking.
I'm the girl with the tats, the good time.
It's just that was only me for a moment of my life
And then I faded, faded far away
Yet this idea stuck and I fooled myself for awhile.
The thing is he's the only one that sees me
For more than a fleeting thought.
He shakes his head at me when I get mad at my pants,
The way I say they don't fit, throwing them away
Because they do fit and that's the problem.
When cloth sits so close to my skin,
I feel like that thread is mocking me
And I know it's just my body dis morphia
But he doesn't sit in it like I do, soak in it like I have to.
I wish I could explain what I see, how this skin feels.
I don't care what you think of me
But mostly I care what I think of me.
I love when he says his affirming words.
It's just I can't explain how they scare me, too.
He reminds me of parts of myself that I forget
Because they were easier to move away from,
To put to the side, to let dust cover up over time.
I loved the way it felt to hide
But I guess I never realized how much I missed.
There's parts of me that dance, that shine
And I only give those parts to him.
I feel like I'm still making the world prove itself to me.
I'm still making it make up for every shitty past
Though I know I have let so much go.
Still, I have so much work to do
And I guess I still get caught up in my fear.
He laughs and we lay in bed, just the two of us,
And there is no place I'd rather be
Because he is safe, he is kind, he is mine.
Still, I always feel hesitant to be in the moment.
I know it can all be gone so quickly,
That this could be just a thought,
That I could be just another fleeting thought.
He will wake up one morning,
Realizing that the reality of me has worn out
But then he smiles and I breathe
And all of these anxiety filled doubts fly away.
I realize that this is the beauty that he taught me,
This vulnerability that I would have never had the courage to feel before.
The thing is it isn't that he sees me.
It's that he showed me how to see myself
As flawed, as incomplete, as lovely as I am.
I break my own heart over and over again
But I’m never surprised.
Sometimes I feel like I enjoy the jagged edges,
the pieces of my heart like Lego shrapnel
That I just continuously walk on
Just to remind myself I am alive.
Sometimes you don’t get it,
The sadness that I bathe in when no one is looking
But I’m not trying to explain myself anymore.
What does it matter to you if I’m a little low?
I’ll still give you that smile
Because even though I’m drenched in this dark
Please understand I’m still just as bright.
I just can’t wear it all of the time
And it takes more out of me to share my joy
Then to show my scars.
You can’t harm what is already hurt
But this happy I have?
It’s fleeting and I know it too well
If I share it with you, it’s no longer mine.
It’s a dress we can all wear.
Sometimes my triumphs have to be mine alone.
Maybe it’s the fear that if I show you,
If I show you how bright I really shine,
It will be doused immediately
And will fade into just something that happened once.
I break myself so often but I know why.
It doesn’t really matter if you understand.
I guess I’m tired of denying certain parts of me.
For every break I feel, I heal differently.
And for every new heal,
I find room for more discovery.
I keep pieces of me laying around my head
To keep as patchwork when I need them
Because when I put them back together?
When I put me back together
What a beautiful creation I will be.
I look at you and I can't decide
If I want to swallow you whole
Or run away like a flash before you see me
Because the idea of you, this thought of me
Doesn't make sense together.
So many rainbows have flickered across my sky
After the summer afternoon storms that pass
That I find it hard to accept the inbetweens.
I want the world to make sense
But I get small joys in the eye of my chaos.
I understand your frown, love your frown
And know there is still joy behind it
Even if you can't see it.
I go up and down,
To the depths of my deep
And the highs of my clouds
That there are times I don't know how to land
But I can't seem to be any other way.
Too many years I've tried to stay in the middle,
Hide that sadness that is me
Cover the anger that festers
Be that smile that you want me to be
But I'm tired and fed up and over it.
It is too much work to try to make me fit,
To make me fit into you or you or you,
Knowing once upon a time I knew I never would.
Somehow I forgot
And thought your opinion of me
Mattered more than mine.
This roller coaster that is me used to frighten
But I understand more and more every day
That the drop in my stomach,
That the fear that buzzes in my ears,
That the butterflies that dance in my belly
Are what inspire what truly lives inside of me.
These uneven frequencies that I can't seem to rope
Sometimes are hard to define
But I look at you and love the way you look at me
And I will never know what to do with that
Except smile awkwardly
And dance in the strange way that makes you laugh.
Sometimes when I sit with myself in my quiet
I get lost inside holes that I create
Overthinking the days gone
Over-analyzing the things people said,
The things people didn't.
I beat myself up and then I bring myself up
But I never feel like I get it quite right.
Often times when I close my eyes in my dark
I become overwhelmed by the visions that flash.
Trying to hold onto the light
But so often feeling like the dim won't let go.
I talk myself down and I talk myself up
But I never feel like I get anywhere.
Just spinning in this circle.
A lot of times I wish I wasn't so invisible
But in a breath the minute you look
I know I'll shy away back into my shadows
Because I don't know what you see
And I don't know what I trust.
The moment I smell insincerity
I close up, shut down, stuck in my own way.
I feel exposed and incomplete,
Not knowing how to show my glow
Without feeling like it will just be dashed out
My eyes haven't smiled in a long time
And I feel the swell of tears too often
But I don't know how to tell you
Because the minute you look at me,
The minute I think you hear me,
I back down, hide away, spinning on my own.
Sometimes when I sit with myself in my corner
I wish you were sitting with me
And I wish I could say these words,
Say these words as easy as I write them
But we know this is where they'll stay
And I'll go on getting in my own way.
I draw pictures of people without faces
Because I don't want you to feel what I do
Because when I give them faces
I know the world can see my sadness,
That lost look that I try to hide
And nothing is inherently wrong
But my soul feels lost, my spirit feels trampled
My heart feels like it's been shattered for years.
I have the love of a man
I birthed a healthy, beautiful child
I have a few friends
I draw my pictures, write my words
And still can't fill myself up but I try.
I want to wake up one morning and feel enough,
To feel that what I have is enough but it's not
There is a whole universe within me I haven't discovered
But my sun keeps getting blocked out by this life,
This life where we struggle so much to get by
That we absolutely fail at allowing ourselves to grow.
I chase this dream, chasing my tail,
Hoping that one day someone will read this work,
Hoping that one day someone will see a line,
And understand the beautiful chaos my mind is.
I wake up every morning,
Thinking that maybe today is the day
I get pulled out of this mediocrity,
Where I can provide for my family by doing what I love
And not sacrificing me like I've done for so long.
I'm tired of sacrificing, tired of feeling so beat down.
But I will continue to chase
And I will continue to sacrifice
Maybe I will continue to fail
Still the faceless girl won't allow to stop
She will continue
And, for her, I will keep drawing her poetic, tragic lines.
I want to tell you things, all these things
That dance around in my head
But then I look at you, at all of you
And all those words you tell me you want me to say
Because even I said them, I would still not be honest
I wrote a poem the other day
It will never see the light of day
Because it was so angry that I can't allow it to see the light
Because sometimes words are just for me
Though I get angry that I feel like I can't give them to you
I want to tell you, to tell you everything
But I want you to know without me saying a word
Because somehow it feels like I'm whining,
Feels like I'm burdening you
But you say, please, tell me
And when I do no one ever really listens
Caught in this constant vortex of me
That is so unsure of you, of all of you
When I feel like there is more than me
I am left with no one at all
I got so angry in this poem that I wanted to give it to you, to all of you
Until I let it sit, I simmered,
And I knew that my anger would be lost
Like it is most the time anyway
It's not that I chose to be the girl in the corner
It's that the girl in the corner was the only one who has never left me behind,
I am not an afterthought to her
And I know you can't understand that
Maybe I just won't let you
Maybe she just has to be mine, not yours
It's not that I don't know who I am
Because I know very clearly who sits in this skin
It's just that I can't show you
Without feeling like I will be trampled
And I don't want to tell you,
I want you to see
But, after all these years, shadows have become what I wear
I wish you could understand, all of you could understand
I lost myself a long time ago
But I always knew where I left her
Those angry words reminded me
I'll post this poem and maybe you will read it
Maybe these words will just be mine again
But she's sitting with me right now
I'm sitting with me right now
And you know?
Maybe that's what matters more
Sometimes it feels unbearable in this skin,
Feeling every smile, every frown, every wink.
And sometimes my heart explodes in overreactions.
You cry and tears roll even if I don't know you
Because my soul is too often touched by the air you breathe..
I wish I could turn you off, all of you off.
I wish I could laugh it off all these slams that come,
Walk it off when I see the horror in the world around me.
Instead I feel this rage that's not even mine build
But do I ever throw these fists?
No, I fester and think and plot and do nothing at all.
I feel too much about things, people who will never truly feel anything back.
I hide behind a silly comment, a clever pun.
If I said to you, everything you say stabs,
You would just deem me a fool
But I wish you could understand, all of you, maybe just one of you.
Everything you say or do is held inside me,
Catologued and Duey Decimaled and never forgotten
Because I will admit only once my hurt.
The rest will be archived, reviewed at inappropriate times.
But as good as I am at putting you away, pushing you away,
I still feel to much of you, of any of you, of all of you
And I just wish I could turn all of this off sometimes.
I guess there was a time when I knew,
I knew easily the direction I needed to take
But the older I get I seem to get distracted more easily.
I drove home the other day
And I thought the last words I would write.
Tears ran down my face, thinking of the all these words
That people wouldn't hear until I was gone.
I started to laugh
Shaking my head at the morbidness of this
Conversation that was happening In the middle of traffic
Because this life could be ended if the guy next to me decided to veer right.
These words that I imagine would never be spoken anyway.
The vitality of my life is long gone
That visceral need to shine or I'll burst faded
Yet I still feel this murmur in my heart thump.
Still trying to prove to myself that I can fly
When I've never been able to leave the ground.
I get too distracted by this life,
By all the practical things that need to be done
Knowing I will be the one to do what I gotta do
Even if it means I sacrifice this girl writing these words.
So I think about who will be sitting there after I go.
I think about all these things that I've never said and smile
Because when death finds me this will live on.
I drove thinking about what I should say to you before I go,
How we should all just say these things before it is too late, how silly it all is
But life wears shades of gray, folds of complications that we create ourselves.
We end up stuck in traffic, just a veer to the right away from it all slipping away.
The older I get I guess the more sedated I become.
It should make me angry but I'd rather take a nap then damn that man anymore.
Still, the thumps beat.
The older I get, I hear them much more clearly.
It's just the path that seems to be the struggle.
I'm so tired of feeling like a struggle but that's the joke.
That's always the joke.
It's a matter of heart, always feeling from my heart
But what happens when my heart falls empty?
Routines, stability, all these necessities
Battling the whim I wish I was.
Sometimes I drive down the road
And I grow jealous of that tree that leans.
What a simple path.
Planted, grow, stand, fade away.
Sighs seem to be only thing that I speak these days.
These sighs of aggravation, of letting it go
When half the time I just want to scream
But it never solves anything
Except an adrenaline release off my back.
Steps forward only to cartwheel back
And I am tired of keeping my shit together
But I will never walk away from my pieces that seem to always be falling.
We complicate for no reason
When we could just be a tree and just grow.
We throw sticks at each other to cover up the pain we feel when our own break
But it's not anyone's fault.
We're all just a little bitter.
I want their to be easy answers, clear lines, definitive decisions
But I also want to fuck off, too.
And finding this balance between is deafening.
Why can't I live my life like hand draws that line?
Freely and without expectation.
These small moments of reprieve become not enough little by little.
I say tomorrow will be better.
It's always better, just get through today
But how many todays have I wasted with that statement?
This struggle of just getting through the day,
Of counting pennies to steal from Paul,
Of grinding it out wear me down
And yet I keep going.
I keep going because she's looking,
Because he's looking,
Because I am always looking.
If I was braver, I would stand up and scream.
If I had just a bit more courage,
I would demand to be heard
But it's never been a matter of strength.
My cup is full.
It is my empathy that holds this tongue,
This idea that I would do more harm
If this tongue was allowed to lash.
It doesn't matter really,
Any of it, none of it, all of it.
We're all seasons, the rage and the joy.
We change to only become what we were
And then to fade away until the next year.
I get angry, frustrated.
I want to throw my coffee cup across the room
Like the casserole dishes I saw fly when I was a kid
But I don't.
Maybe if I was braver I would.
I would allow my anger to surface.
I would tell you that this life bothers me.
Maybe if I had just a wee bit more courage
I would not tolerate what I do
But really it's not a matter of either.
My heart is so big.
Sometimes it's hard to carry
And I'd like to throw it in a lake.
Tie it to a rock and watch it disappear
It's so big sometimes it hurts.
There are days when it is too much.
Still, I hold it quietly,
Knowing it's value to me, to you.
I should tell you when I'm hurt
And not fear the apology I will make
But I won't
Because it's a circle, laps really.
I just don't have the ability to tolerate it much.
You know if I had just spoke the words
I wouldn't feel like my insides
Were on the brink of constantly imploding
But I understand the importance of kindness
And I understand that hurting you or him or her
Is not worth my pride, nothing ever is really.
So I will be brave in my own way.
I will find courage in the only way I know how.
None of it, all of it, maybe just a little of it matters anyway.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.