And just for thought...
They say that I will see you again,
That you are never really far away
But it's been a year and those words,
Those words bring little solace.
When I was just a girl, you were there
Even when I couldn't see you
But all I had to do was look.
And I think of that now,
Now when even if I look
You won't be there
But I wish I had seen you so much more often.
Sometimes I sing the song you used to sing to me and I tell myself it's because,
It's because your spirit is with me in that moment, sighing and missing you more.
I was the kid that stayed in the corner,
The little kid that never needed that much attention.
I just never realized how often you noticed me,
Not until I found all the pictures you left behind.
And I was the adult child that left,
Never looked back to see how that hurt you
But I hope you know now I was always your little girl even when I wasn't.
They tell me that all these words that I never shared with you,
All these words that I held back
Out of anger, out of hurt, out of fear
But mostly out of love you hear now
Even though I never said them to you.
I wish I could have shared with you
More of the woman you raised
But I was stubborn and proud
And grew up to be so much like you,
So much like you with your gentle heart,
So much like you with a pocket full of dreams.
It's been a year, a year since you died.
A year since I sat outside that hospital room
While you went to a different place.
Still I was that kid in the corner,
Scared because I knew the next I looked up to see you, I would never see you again,
Not until it will be my turn to leave my child behind.
And I know that you are never far away.
I just wish I had looked up sooner,
Wish I had noticed how proud you were
When we were standing on the same ground.
I tell them that I am all right,
Tell them that it gets easier the more time passes and I'm not lying.
I am not lying when I tell them these words
But I know inside I cry more than I will ever admit because,
Because this life goes on
And I will go on without you just the same,
Your stubborn girl in the corner
Who even if I never said any of these words
Always knew you were there.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.