And just for thought...
I don't know where you are anymore, don't particularly care,
but I still think about you.
You still manage your way into my dreams.
I will always think of you as a clown, the funny clown that terrified me.
After all those years of making me laugh, you were the one who caused the most tears.
You had a million nice words to give me back then.
Your admiration was made so very clear but you were the death of me for awhile.
We went off together, skipping into the world like two naive kids.
I didn't notice when your painted smile turned downward.
I don't know if you still think about that night, doesn't really matter,
but you haunted me for years, paralyzed me for a long time.
I remember the day you sat on my porch years ago, the sad tears you cried.
My sad, sweet clown had lost his laughter.
Was it in that moment? Did I give you some unspoken invitation?
Your adoration became far deeper then either of us knew.
You didn't know when to stop, didn't understand you were breaking me apart.
You got what you wanted and there wasn't anything I could have done,
nothing I could have done to save you from your silent sickness.
Now, years later, I have healed.
I can remember again the boy who once made me laugh.
Sometimes I try to imagine standing face to face with you,
wondering if the evil clown or the boy will be in front of me,
but either way I am no longer scared of you.
Whatever you are now no longer concerns me.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.