And just for thought...
She sits upstairs, giggling on the phone much like I used to when I was her age
And I sit here, listening to the dreams in her voice,
Trying to remember what it was like to not yet know what my life has in store for me.
I didn't know at fifteen how hard I would fall, how much I would love, how easily it was to be distracted.
She is tough and stubborn and full of the same spirit that I once danced with.
Her features resemble mine but she is far crueler than I remember being
And for all my years in this world I know it will take her sky falling for her to truly understand.
As a mother, it breaks my heart.
As her mother, it terrifies me because I want to protect her from the inevitable hurt,
Knowing that I must allow her to feel the pain yet to come for her to find her feet.
It was so easy when she was small, when she was little.
She wanted that cookie and I said no and the story was over.
She was sad and I would tickle her, give her a kiss on her forehead, and she lit up.
There was no fuss, no muss, just us loving each other.
I was her mommy and she was my little girl.
Now, as she sits upstairs, talking on the phone, giggling with someone else,
I know that I no longer sit in the space I once used to with her.
And I know I must be tough, strong, steadfast in my ways with her.
I must be firm and flexible and make the boundaries I never thought I would have to
Because in what used to be so many years from now has turned into a matter of a few.
She will go off into this world without me with only the tools I gave her.
As a mother, I worry.
As her mother, I worry that I haven't done enough
When she looks at me like I'm the worst person in the world.
As her mother, I worry that I haven't given her enough of a foundation
When she doesn't understand the concept of compassion
Because I know what the world can do to a tough girl like the one giggling upstairs.
My role as her mother has always been the rock she stands on
But eventually she will figure out her own ground to land on.
Right now she doesn't want my advise but I know one day she will.
I know one day she will call me just like I call my own and say, 'Mom what do i do?'.
I will laugh to myself, remembering the fights we know get it because I said no.
I will chuckle to myself, recalling all the times I am currently ruining her life.
One day this will come full circle and she will be back to eating ice cream with me in bed,
back to dancing in the middle of the living room because we felt like it.
I know one day someone will tear this giggling girl apart
And regardless of the mean spirited words she spews at me today
I will always be there for her tomorrow.
Right now she mocks the clothes I wear, the words I write, the nuggets of knowledge I have for her.
I have to accept the fact that right now she knows better than I do
But eventually she will get why I always tell her to try to be kind, to be understanding.
One day someone won't offer her those things and I can't stop her sky from falling.
At fifteen, this giggling girl upstairs knows everything.
At fifteen, this giggling girl is breaking her mother's heart.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.