And just for thought...
I did not realize how lost I was until it became too horrifying,
until I crumpled down on that linoleum, sobbing in a stranger's lap.
It all became very clear how apart I had fallen.
It is not because I haven't tried.
I created a new life for myself with new faces, different places.
I just forgot to face what I was running from in the first place.
So I consumed myself with a wine that helped me forget,
sitting among people I barely knew and pretended it all away
but it all came back that much stronger, harder that it was before.
Flashbacks happened and I felt his hands all over again.
Finally, admitting that which I have made an art form of hiding.
Now, a night later, I feel terrified of what I know I have to do
because I want to keep running, because I want to keep forgetting.
He kept telling me it wasn't my fault and I kept denying,
sitting on that floor with him made me understand how alone I was
but I thought that was what I wanted.
Wasn't I supposed to be the strong one?
I tried so hard, I tried so hard...
Through my most horrible nightmares, I kept my head high.
Though my insides decayed away, I put on my smile
but I know now I won't be able to stand so tall
and I'll lost it all again.
If I even want to be free, I have to give myself a chance.
Maybe then I can actually feel alive again
and will never again find comfort on a stranger's lap.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.