And just for thought...
Sometimes I have no words to share.
I have these feelings, these swirling feelings
But I have no way to describe them
Though I know I must get them out of me.
I walked down that aisle last night,
Enraged at my current plot in life,
This song my father sang to me when I was young came on.
I walked down that aisle with beers in hand, felt the tears
Because I knew he was telling me I was all right
Even if all I wanted to do was sit in a corner and cry
Though if you asked I couldn't tell you why.
I like to tell myself that I am a rock, an island.
I am unbreakable, invincible, indestructible
But my stiff hip keeps me in check.
I get mad at the fact that I get angry.
I get annoyed that I hurt, that I get disappointed
And my agitation strikes in unhealthy ways
But you ask me what's wrong?
I'll never really tell you, just brush you off
Because sometimes I don't know why,
Don't know why it hurts or angers or disappoints.
The expectations I have for you, her, him, them
Are the same expectations I have for myself, always too high.
Sometimes I just don't have the words,
The right words to paint a picture.
Sometimes all I have these unexplainable feelings,
These tedious little tornadoes that make me feel chaotic.
I pick up this pen and I try to navigate,
Try to navigate my way through my maze
So I can understand my own madness,
Knowing that I'm not alone in this abyss.
I have images but no words.
I have a picture I want to draw
But my hands quite draw the lines right.
He asked me what I wanted and I laughed.
What do I want in this life?
I just want to find the right words, to draw a lovely picture,
To calm this unknown fire that burns,
The one that I can't explain,
The one that swirls and never quiets,
Understanding that these swirls inspire me to write these words, to draw that picture
But I don't know always how to speak them.
Sometimes I feel so much I shut down,
Knowing it's easier to feel nothing
Then try to explain what I feel staring back at me.
And sometimes I sit down at this table,
Staring at a screen,
Feeling all these feelings I can't describe,
Wanting nothing but to write them out but nothing comes,
Leaving me with a heavy heart, all feeling too overwhelming..
Sometimes I share too much.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.