And just for thought...
In one month it will be a year, a year without a father and I'm left wondering how the time has passed.
In one month it will be a year that I haven't heard his voice, haven't made him laugh
and these feelings swirl around me.
In one month it will be a year and this life without him has been a struggle.
I can't call him when I publish another book,
can't tell him about my daughter's first date, and I didn't realize this feeling of loss would continue to grow.
A picture of him sits on my desk,
a young man with his bride to be smiling
at the beginning of their lives
before children, before heartbreak
and I can feel him standing beside me,
telling me that he's Ok, that I'm OK
because the best parts of him will always be in his children, in the smiles he hid in the crook of our grins.
In one month it will be a year that I haven't sat with him over a cup of coffee,
haven't listened to the latest Fox News facts,
haven't rolled my eyes at his jokes.
I never realized how much I would miss him,
how much of him was such a huge part of me.
I look at my siblings, knowing that
it will be one year in a month they, too,
have lost their father,
understanding we all had our own relationships with this one man, this one man who loved us so dearly even when we pushed away
because he didn't know how to love us any other way.
In one month it will be one year and
I know that he has found a peace that he wouldn't have found if he hung on.
I have no anger that he moved on,
just regret that I sit here one month before his year anniversary with words that I should have given him before he died.
And then I look at that picture of him,
sitting on my desk as I write,
and I know he's reading these words just as you are, holding my hand, telling me it's OK.
He knew I always had it in me even when I refused to believe him
because he loved us no matter what,
because it was the only way he knew how to love.
My father, a dreamer, the best of his dreams will live on in our joy, our sorrow, in the corners of his children's smiles.
At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who has been in love with writing her entire life. I am full of quirks, anxieties, fears, joys, laughter. And all I have wanted to do was give the world a smile.